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Louise Thomas
Editor
When you’re in the throes of dating someone new and you believe it’s going well, only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you because they suddenly disappear from your life, it can really hurt.
The term ‘ghosting’ – meaning to cut all contact without explanation – gained momentum in the early to mid 2010s, when a rise in the behaviour was reported.
So what should you do if you’ve been ghosted, and what can help you get over it?
Georgina Sturmer, a BACP-registered counsellor who helps women become more confident and resilient in their life and relationships, says: “When we have been dating someone, even if only for a short while, we have invested some of our self into that relationship.
“We have devoted our time and energy, and we are likely to have developed some hopes for what the future might bring. This is why it can feel so painful when we experience ghosting.
“Leaving us with unanswered questions and a whole raft of feelings, we might experience a sense of rejection, sadness or loss when the other person disappears from our life. We might find ourselves angry or resentful that they are not responding to us or letting us know what is going on.
“We might feel anxious or embarrassment about the fact that this is happening to us. Or we might feel overwhelmed and push all of these feelings away, leaving us with a sense of numbness. Each of us might respond in different ways to this situation, and all of these feelings are perfectly valid.”
Why does being ghosted feel so bad?
“The reason why ghosting can feel so very painful is because it’s a rejection without an explanation,” says Strumer.
“From the moment we are born, we look to our caregivers and loved ones to help us to establish a sense of security. And as we grow older, our romantic relationships have the capacity to affirm, or to put into question, this sense of security.
“The act of ghosting can leave us questioning our fundamental sense of safety and security, and our ability to trust other people with our feelings. And it might reopen old wounds, reactivating feelings from previous hurt or rejection.
“And when the other person disappears without an explanation, it can lead us to turn the questions and judgement on ourselves. To question whether we are responsible in some way for this rejection. Especially if we are feeling vulnerable, or if we struggle with our self-esteem.”
If this is the case, it can lead us into deeper fears or worries about whether we are loveable or likeable or worthy of someone else’s affection, she explains.
What should you do next?
“Lean on your support network. Make sure that you have trusted friends or family who you can share your feelings with. If this isn’t an option, then you can always reach out to [mental health helplines and resources like] Samaritans or Shout if you need a listening ear,” says Strumer.
Social media boundaries may be key too. “When we are looking for answers, it’s tempting to seek them through the online world, and to scour the other person’s social media accounts. But it’s important to remember this is unlikely to deliver answers that you are looking for, and to offer you the support that you really need.
“You might want to consider removing or blocking the other person, so that you don’t find yourself falling down an unwanted rabbit hole online.”
Find an outlet for your feelings, she suggests. “If we have been left with a multitude of feelings swirling around us, then it’s tempting to try to push them down. But this can lead them to fester and worsen. See if you can find an outlet for how you are feeling. This might be exercise, creativity, journalling, getting out in nature, or therapeutic work with a mental health professional.”
Talking to a counsellor might also help you make sense of your experience and response to it. You can find a registered therapist through a professional body like the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).
