There’s something very honest about the lunch tradies whip out of their eskies at break time on worksites. Trust me, I’d know.
No, I’ve never been one, but both my younger brothers are carpenters and a lot of my friends and acquaintances work in the trades. They’re generally some of the funniest people I know – but the majority are down-right clueless when it comes to their diet. Or they really just don’t care. Even the ones who try to care miss the mark.
So, I asked my boyfriend to do a call out on Instagram asking for his mates’ lunches one sunny Friday, purely so I could roast them… here’s what we got:
1. 500g minced meat with salt and pepper, five boiled eggs
Starting off strong. Going to skip past the psychopath allegations for this one and jump right into: worried about your health. This lunch screams ‘I don’t want to pay for a $100/month gym membership so I do pull-ups at the park and hope girls see me’ and ‘I haven’t eaten anything green since my mum made me eat one piece of asparagus at Chrissy lunch 5 years ago’. 10/10 for the dedication to scoffing down baby food for men who can’t remember when they last changed their sheets, in a format that’d make your shits give you haemorrhoids, though. If that’s the goal.
2. Two Chobani tubs
30g of protein. Nice… have you ever tried eating, like, eggs or meat (just not as much as the last guy)? Chobani is a glorified primary school lunch item for men who only do shoulders at the gym. Better than not working out at all, I guess. You obviously bought the salted caramel flavour because you won’t eat anything that isn’t full of sugar. I bet your coffee order is a large oat cappuccino with three sugars and a healthy pump of vanilla syrup. No comment on that.
3. Spaghetti with tomato pasta sauce
I hope this was heated up. Watch your step on the ladder at the worksite, you might faint of iron deficiency if this is your go-to every day. I’ve never met a spaghetti-for-lunch guy who knows how to cook anything else. You’ll get to 50, divorced, listening to Thirsty Merc, and realise you wasted your entire life on eating what university students eat when they can’t afford rent. Because you’re definitely the 50 per cent whose wives leave them because they don’t know how to put a load of washing on. Also, two questions: is the spaghetti cut up? Or is it from a tin? Either way, this is sacrilege. You’re giving: 10-year-old boy who eats spaghetti with only Heinz ketchup, no cheese.
4. Chicken burger and wild turkey can
Honestly there’s not much too much to say about this, it’s clear you don’t give a fuck about your health. The bun is so squashed it makes me think you Uber Eats-d it the night before, fell asleep before it came, picked it up off your doorstep in the morning, and ate it cold in your ute that day.
It’s giving: ‘Mummy never let me eat fast food when I lived at home so now I eat fried chicken with every meal’. Now, for the Wild Turkey can… you included it in the picture so I’m guessing you’re trying to come across as edgy, for day drinking on the job, or you’re genuinely an alcoholic. Extremely sad either way.
5. Salad and lamb wrap
Did you BYO a sandwich press to the work site? Props for that. I will say though, if you’re eating that mystery meat and it was COOKED on the press, that’s a big NO from me. Every chronic-sandwich-press-guy you know doesn’t own more than two pairs of socks and meal-preps the same meal three weeks in advance, nearly giving themselves food poisoning. My boyfriend once told me some tradies cook steaks on the sandwich press at work and I haven’t recovered since. Fuck medium rare, we’re talking about that-should-literally-be-rare (or just not happen at all).
6. Sandwich with TONNES of iceberg lettuce
WTF. Have you ever made a sandwich before? Are you trying to offset the processed meat on it? Kind of a cursed flex sending this one in. What do you want me to say? Personally, I don’t even think iceberg lettuce belongs on a Big Mac, as it is only there to feign health. So, this is a clueless submission to me. How many of these did you eat that day? So many questions. There’s a big esky in front of you so I’m guessing you hid the Snackables, Mars bars, roll-ups, and beef jerky. But yeah, if you want me to say you’re healthy… actually no, I’m not saying it. I see right through you.
7. Rice cake sandwich
Wow. Is that a fucking rice cake sandwich? Your TikTok algorithm is definitely full of those cucumber salads, you liked them, and now you’re on skinny-girl-tok, but don’t fully get the gist of it. I can see how soggy it is even through the Glad Wrap. So, I’m not really sure why you chose a rice cake over bread. That is unless that’s all you could afford from the supermarket because the rest of your money went on frozen chicken nuggets and Neapolitan ice cream. Both of which you eat on “cheat day”, which is really just weekday hours between 9pm and 2am when you’re doing something embarrassing like DM-ing your ex-girlfriend from burner accounts. Do you want me to order a multigrain loaf to your worksite? Is the ice cream that necessary? LMK.
8. Beer and cigarettes
Cool, bro.
In short, there’s nothing you can’t tell about a tradie from their lunch. Pair it with a $1 coffee from 7-Eleven, and a cigarette that was bought as a single for $2 from the TSG, and you’ve got an ironically spiritually advanced cocktail, telling of the vibes that tradies bring to our society. I’ll leave it at that. Thanks for coming.
Lead image: Supplied
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