I recently moved overseas by myself and I’m desperately lonely. I moved for better weather, proximity to nature and a calmer, healthier way of living but I’ve really struggled to make any friends. This isn’t the first time I lived abroad. I moved around in my 20s and they were some of the happiest times in my life.
Now, at 34, the experience feels different. I’m living alone and working remotely. This is something I wanted to do for a long time but it’s a lot harder than I expected. I miss my family, friends and partner, although we speak all the time and travel back and forth to see each other. I know it takes time to build a new life. I miss the familiarity and my network back home. Was moving the right decision?
Eleanor says: It’s so poignant to get what you thought you wanted only to have it sour. It can feel worse than just not getting what you wanted – like getting all dressed up for your own birthday only to sit in silence at the table.
Of course you knew this would be a tough transition. But that doesn’t make it any easier. I remember a first morning post-move thinking: “What have I done?”
Try not to compare this moment to your 20s; you’ve changed since then, and so has the social scene you’re trying to connect with. It’s hard enough to keep the friends you’ve got in your 30s – everyone’s getting married or having babies or their careers are taking off. That’s true even for people who never leave their home town. In your case, you’ve got the Gladiators obstacle course of adult loneliness – no existing social network, no in-person office, no partner there with you (which would make befriending couples easier), “Now make friends!”
That’s a big task. It’s going to take a while. And it might not ever feel quite like it did back home; for some people, relationships from formative years just feel different, easier. It goes differently for different people. Just as there are city mice and country mice, there are people who are happy bouncing between countries and people who want to be around what they know.
I’m curious about the way you put your question: was this the right choice? I never really know what that means. What would it take to be the right choice? That you won’t regret it? That it’ll make you happier than you would have been? We can’t know these things with certainty. I think the only question you could really know the answer to is how it makes you feel – are you glad you made this choice?
If you’re not, you’re allowed to undo it.
Sometimes it feels as though reversing a big life gamble isn’t an option. We’re culturally well-trained to avoid “giving up”. Or maybe we feel shame about “abandoning” the optimistic vision of how life could be. But don’t get so beholden to the narrative that you can’t see the actuality. If it sucks it sucks. Many people have moved overseas then changed their minds – this is not a failure. You haven’t even failed to gain the big learning experience travel is meant to provide. You have learned about yourself, and about how much you value your existing networks.
If you moved partly to have a big adventure that makes you realise your own emotional strength, changing your mind can do that too. Saying “you know what, I thought I’d like this but I don’t” can give exactly that feeling of clarity, autonomy and self-reliance.
When I say that, how does it feel – to seriously consider reversing this decision? If articulating this possibility feels like a huge relief, that might be your answer. But if it makes you bristle and think “hang on, I’m not done yet”, that’s your answer instead.
There’s a difference between challenging yourself in horizon-expanding ways and just making life more painful. Only stick this out if you think it’ll change – not because you feel you have to.
The reader’s letter has been edited for length
