LGBT+ people across the board would probably agree that coming out is a hard and daunting thing to do in certain scenarios. During Lesbian Visibility Week, LGBT+ charity Just Like Us released new research which revealed that some lesbians in the UK have actually delayed coming out due to negative stereotypes they are associated with.
Lauren De Oliveira, a 33-year-old who lives in Cardiff, told WalesOnline that she often gets over sexualised due to her sexuality. Frequently approached by cis straight men, she's received "gross" comments in the past and doesn't blame others for not coming out sooner.
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"I am always worried about being overly sexualised. As a femme person, who actually doesn’t feel that femme and as a lesbian. And I don’t just worry about it, it happens all the time," she explained.
"People make gross comments when we hold hands in the streets. Cishet men think they can come and join you when you are trying to have a quiet drink with your partner in a bar. People ask really inappropriate conversations. Or say stupid things like 'I just don’t understand how it works'. Being a lesbian means you will always be a little bit less safe, a little bit less accepted, the different one in your office.
"I think we delay coming out because for a lot of women it means putting yourself out there in a dangerous, predatory world but knowing you won’t have a man to refer to when the plasterer is taking the p**s and giving you a stupid quote. You can’t say I’m sorry I have a boyfriend when there’s a creepy man hitting on you on the bus. Being gay you lose a lot of your anonymity because you stand out more, people notice that you are not doing things 'the normal way'."
Sadly, more than two thirds of lesbians say they delayed coming out due to harmful stereotypes, being labelled 'man-hating', over-sexualised and even anti-trans. According to Just Like Us, there are two main reasons for lesbians delaying coming out, 30% said that coming out as was viewed as 'cringey' and 25% were told it was 'wrong'.
Those who took part in the research and spoke about their experiences had mentioned that lesbians were often called taboo, embarrassing and old-fashioned. Young lesbians between the ages of 18 and 24 are the most likely age group to delay coming out because their sexuality is seen as 'over-sexualised'.
Pippa, 25, said that she didn't feel comfortable labelling herself until she was 20. She said: “I started realising I was gay when I was 15, but didn’t really feel comfortable calling myself anything until I was 20. A lot of people made me think that I couldn’t be sure that I was gay, especially because I’d had a boyfriend before. I didn’t really know how to talk to people about it, because the word lesbian is so tied to sex and pornography that it always feels like calling yourself lesbian is the same as sharing details about your sex life.”
Mara, 20, said that the word lesbian was often used as an insult. They said: “I came out as bisexual at 15, lesbian at 17, and non-binary at 19. My high school experience was quite challenging at times, as the word lesbian was often used as an insult, so it was difficult to come to terms with being a lesbian when most of what I had heard about them was in a negative light. People would also often ask questions about my sexuality and try to assume things before I even properly knew myself. Boys would often try to ask rude questions, and girls would be disgusted at the idea of a lesbian.”
Worryingly, one in 20 lesbians have delayed coming out because of it being seen as 'anti-trans', according to the charity. Amy Ashenden, director of communications at Just Like Us, said: “It’s heartbreaking to see that the majority of lesbians are delaying living their lives to the fullest and feel unable to come out because of tired lesbophobic stereotypes that continue to be perpetuated, and this is something I regularly see lesbians struggling with.
“It is especially sad to see that lesbians are delaying coming out because they fear being seen as butch, masculine and unattractive – societally there is a lot of work to be done around embracing women of all gender expressions and bringing positive messaging around being a butch lesbian to the forefront. To paint lesbians as ‘man-hating’, ‘unattractive’ or ‘anti-trans’ is to unfairly stereotype an entire community – these stereotypes are rooted in misogynistic ideas of what a woman should be and we can see the damaging effects of these stereotypes, particularly on young lesbians, in the research.”
