I’m not really in the habit of recommending ‘parenting hacks’, but one I’ve always liked is presenting commands as choices. If, for example, I ask my son if he wants veg with dinner, he’ll offer a comprehensive no. But, if I ask whether he’d prefer peas or carrots, he’ll pick one. That he usually refuses to eat whatever he’s picked is, of course, regrettable, but that’s why I’m not a professional supernanny.
I do now have an unlikely ally in this fight, however, and his name is Bear Grylls. My son’s new favourite show is You vs Wild, an interactive series in which you pilot Bear Grylls through survival situations like a pain-seeking voodoo doll. It should be said that Bear’s idea of likely survival situations could charitably be described as speculative. I laugh smugly as my son tells me, sleepily, after three back-to-back episodes, that the best way to struggle out of a sinking bog is to move as little as possible. ‘I don’t think that’ll come up any time soon,’ I chuckle, before an inward glance reminds me that I spend the entirety of our watches attempting to memorise these self-same strategies.
I’m reasonably confident the show’s fanbase contains as many men my age as it does children under 10. I reckon kids love Bear because he affirms their own sense of invincibility, a confidence that, given the opportunity, they probably could parachute into the jungle and build an entirely new airplane from the trees, rocks and animal droppings.
My theory is that he appeals to men approaching middle age for precisely the opposite reason: we are disconcertingly aware of our own mortal uselessness, and his promise to help us cheat death – even from threats abstracted to the point of absurdity – provides a welcome palliative. To put it another way, believing you’d withstand a bear attack when you’re five feels cool; to do so when you routinely get dizzy if you stand up too quick, is near euphoric.
At each big decision, Bear gives you the pros and cons of two options, before asking you to pick up your remote and choose whether he should, for example, eat berries or moss, make camp or hunt for food, or – this being Bear Grylls – eat animal faeces or not. ‘It’s your choice,’ he says, before adding with a gravitas known only to those who recreationally drink wolf piss, ‘You decide!’
It is, quite simply, an impeccable televisual format. More importantly, his signature catchphrase is one I can now use to get my son to do anything. ‘Peaaaas,’ I say, exaggerating the vowel sounds in an impression of Bear I’m unduly proud of. ‘They’re small but they pack a lot of taste and energy, or caaaarrots – they’re bigger, come in funkier colours and help you see in the dark. It’s your choice, you decide!’
To my astonishment, he doesn’t just pick the peas or carrots, but eats them. I use the same tactics for choosing books before bedtime, and getting his socks on before school. I rejoice, having conquered a frontier of parenting every bit as challenging as a wolf-populated tundra. Now, if I could just stand up without getting dizzy, I’d be unstoppable.
Did Ye Hear Mammy Died? by Séamas O’Reilly is out now (Little, Brown, £16.99). Buy a copy from guardianbookshop at £14.78
Follow Séamas on Twitter @shockproofbeats
