The question I am hoping you can help me make sense of the feeling that I just don’t matter any more. I’m 50, divorced, with three children (aged 20, 17 and 15). My ex seems to have given up parenting – to the extent that he recently remarried without even telling them.
My parents are elderly and my mother has been in and out of hospital, but they live five hours away, so it’s hard to help. I changed jobs in the middle of last year, leaving a company I spent 25 years working for, where I was senior and respected. And my job there involved helping people more than in my new one. My role now is in a flatter organisation and helps fewer people (but is much better paid). Finally, my children are amazing.
Obviously, I do matter to my kids, parents and friends, but I can’t shake the feeling that I do not. That I am not important. My ex remarrying has been a real trigger, for feeling I don’t matter (even though I do not care what he does)and a new work environment and the horrors of online dating probably don’t help. Is it just a midlife crisis? Should I “woman up”? I have thought about volunteering, but frankly I have little free time and wouldn’t that be just spreading myself even thinner?
Philippa’s answer You mentioned knowing you matter to your children, parents and friends, yet the feeling persists. That’s important, because it suggests this isn’t about the facts, but it is your emotional reality. You’ve experienced significant shifts recently: the loss of a long-term work identity where you were valued; trying online dating; a family dynamic where your ex has stepped back. There has been a disruption of roles where your purpose felt clearer. These changes can leave a void, making it harder to feel connected to the part of yourself that feels essential and recognised.
Philosopher Martin Buber wrote about relationships where we truly encounter one another by being fully present so we can be fully seen. Sometimes when life becomes filled with practical roles and responsibilities, we slip into exchanges that feel more functional than meaningful – he called these transactional exchanges “I-it”, because they are less about us as people and more to do with our roles or purely practical matters. These encounters can leave us feeling unseen, even when surrounded by people who care. It may be that what you are longing for is less about being “important” in a hierarchical sense and more about being met, emotionally, as a whole person; not just as a mother, daughter, professional or friend, but as you, not as an “it”.
Your ex remarrying seems to have touched a nerve, even though you don’t care what he’s up to. It’s less about the event and more about what it stirs, perhaps a sense of being overlooked or left behind. Or it could be that your sense of worth is somehow still tied up with him. Just because we aren’t with someone it doesn’t mean that our subconscious isn’t still treating them like our significant other and using them as a human mirror for us. Remember, how he behaves is no reflection on you.
It’s understandable that a shift to a job where you feel less relational impact could amplify the sense of disconnection, too. Buber might have suggested that you are craving more “I-thou” connections. These are interactions where you feel truly encountered, rather than being valued primarily for what you do. It can be easy to slip into believing that mattering must come from external validation, achievements, roles, romantic attention, but the deepest kind of mattering comes when we give and receive undivided presence.
What now? I don’t think the answer lies in “womaning up” or brushing this off as a midlife crisis. Although a hormone check-up might be a good idea, because hormone imbalance can act like a magnifying glass on what you are already feeling – and what you are feeling is valid and significant. Rather than fixing or forcing yourself to feel differently, it might be helpful to explore where you can invite more authentic connection into your life. That could be through conversations with close friends, where you let them into this feeling instead of keeping it to yourself. It could mean making space for moments of being seen, for example, allowing yourself some vulnerability with others and engaging more openly with your children. The aim is not to add more responsibilities, but to notice where those deeper moments of presence can already exist.
You don’t have to volunteer or take on more to prove your value. The task now may be less about doing and more about being open to receiving: allowing yourself to feel the mattering you already hold in the lives around you, even when it’s quiet and not loudly affirmed. You matter, not because of how many people you help, or what roles you play, but simply because you are you. Remind yourself of that as often as you need.
The Book You Want Everyone You Love to Read (and Maybe a Few That You Don’t) by Philippa Perry is now out in paperback. Buy it for £10.99 at guardianbookshop.com
