Dear Coleen
I’m a 20-year-old woman and live in a shared flat with two other girls. We’re all at university together.
I’m very concerned about one of my flatmates who’s changed a lot over the past few months. She’s hanging out with a different group and one girl in particular, who I think is a really negative influence.
My friend is a very beautiful girl, but has low self-esteem and has become very skinny.
I’ve noticed she’s controlling what she eats and lies about what she’s eaten. Her parents run a business out in Spain, so she doesn’t see them much and they probably have no idea that she’s struggling.
Whenever I have tried to reach out to her, she’s become very defensive, told me I’ve got it all wrong and to mind my own business.
Do I try to reach her parents or do I speak to a teacher or counsellor at uni?
I’m worried if I do any of those things, she’ll be very angry and probably never speak to me again, which would make things tricky in our flat. I’d love some sensible advice.
Coleen says
Denial is a feature of anorexia, but I think you should try speaking to her again and read up on eating disorders first.
You will find lots of useful information and support via eating disorder charities Beat (beateating
disorders.org.uk) and Seed (seed.charity; 01482 718130).
Choose a calm time and space, and if she’s still defensive and angry, reassure her you’ll be there for her if she does want to talk in the future, and keep an eye on her. If you reach out to her parents or someone at uni, yes, I think initially she’ll be angry with you – no one likes to feel caught out.
I guess all you can do in that situation is to explain that you love her and care about her, and you were concerned for her health and wellbeing.
It would be good if you had a support network, so others in your friendship group can also look out for her. It also means you’re not carrying all the worry and feeling all the responsibility.
It might also be an idea to try to draw her back into your friendship circle, so she’s surrounded by more positive people to build up her self-esteem. Perhaps you and your friends could come up with ideas for nice things to do that involve her.
