For four years, I’ve put dating on the backburner. After my last relationship in 2021, I needed to hit pause. I came out as non-binary during that time and although my ex was supportive, I needed to figure out how I was going to love myself first before I was going to let anyone else love me. Sure, I’d fool around every so often which fulfilled any craving for connection that I was lusting over; however, these men were always ones I had met previously. There was no newness in my life as I wasn’t ready for it or perhaps, was afraid of the potential rejection.
So, I told myself I’d focus on me — on my career, my growth, my independence. And I did. Maybe too well. Now, I’m in a new city, the most confident and comfortable I’ve ever been surrounded by fresh trade. And dolls, I’m ready to put them to work.
There’s been three formative relationships in my life, all during pivotal moments of my growth and I appreciate each and every one and have learned essential lessons along the way, the biggest one being that it’s okay and essential to communicate, which although a simple idea, at times feels excruciating to do.
I’ve recently moved to Melbourne for work and it’s like opening a book with no idea where the plot is headed. Every new face comes with a different motivation — friendship, love, something in between. My challenge? I’ve always been surrounded by women, with the occasional cis XY chromosome thrown in. I never felt like I clicked with men, so I avoided forming close friendships with them. Now, when it comes to dating, I can’t read their intentions to save my life. It’s like showing up to an exam without having studied the material.
That said, I love dating. I love meeting new people, talking and listening. I do it for a living as a television producer, so how hard could it be?
Apparently, harder than expected.
In the past four months that I’ve been in Naarm, I’ve gone on many “dates” and I’m now finding it hard to differentiate what is romance from friendship, where my brain immediately goes, “Well, some romantic partnerships start as friendships(?)”. But, I fear I might hold too much space for those I’m meeting where, at the end, they tell me how “comfortable” they feel with me. I know this is the highest form of compliments but I think that this is also a sign of an immediate friend zone moment. I’m hoping to be proven wrong.
I’m very much leaning in to my Carrie Bradshaw phase as I’m the same age she was when we were introduced to her. I, too, write and also romanticise any encounter I have and don outfits that provide me with a sense of euphoria that I blame on my Libra sun and Capricorn rising. I am self-aware enough to understand that I am somewhat attractive. I’m 6ft, work partly as a content creator and model, have long legs and chest hair that I display any chance I get, so I know that I’m doing just fine. n
Sandy McIntyre is a writer, model and producer, now based in Naarm. (Credit: Supplied)
Now, I’m not going to divulge too many details as it’s important that I keep parts of my dating life private. However! There have been four prominent men who have piqued my interest, two are now confirmed friendships who I adore with every ounce of my being and the other two are, dare I say, more complicated.
The first of the latter two is a man who I met by chance at a party. He introduced himself and was the kindest man who made sure I was comfortable as he knew I was new to town. We’d spend all day at the party together conversing, followed by clubbing where we ended up sharing a kiss — which is very unlike me. We decided to meet again and spent a gorgeous evening together; there was PDA, compliments were exchanged and physical touch was abundant. However, three days later I received a message saying that he feels we’d be better off as friends.
This left me baffled. Immediately, my brain went into overdrive where I would then over analyse every situation wondering what I could have done differently. Was I too much? Did I misread the encounter entirely? I hate to admit it but, at first I felt embarrassed and thought ‘is it because I am non-binary?’. I know, this is my insecurity talking, but my brain immediately went there — rightly so, as these words have been said to me before. I don’t feel any negativity towards these humans as gay men have worked so hard with their own trauma where they love being gay and therefore want to be with a man… which I am not. Now, for me to go deeper requires a therapy session and a 5,000 word essay so, maybe we’ll touch base next time.
The second encounter happened weeks after. There was a house party at mine and two friendly faces appeared. As one of the hosts, I made it my mission to make them feel welcome. Was I immediately attracted to the gentleman? Well, yes. It helped that his best friend reminded me of my best girlfriend back at home. We again spent all afternoon together; laughing and sharing banter that felt like a seamless game of tennis where our jokes and one liners would land, be received and one would respond by adding to the conversation, keeping it alive. Game, set and match, my loves. Because I was previously burned by the first man, I didn’t think much of it until I met this new one again the following Saturday for drinks. Our chats were interesting, we’d laugh and get to know each other a bit more where we found ourselves meeting my circle and holding hands into the night dancing and kissing until we decided it was time to leave. This one felt different, but a potential problem arose which was communicated that my time in Melbourne for now is limited.
I’ve never been one to sleep around, so intimate moments feel particularly special to me. I don’t just allow anyone into my orbit but the fact that I’ve been showing the ability to do otherwise is a sign of growth that I’m proud of. Love is wonderful, it’s inspiring and it motivates us. When I say this, I wholeheartedly believe that it’s imperative that we first have love for ourselves and when you find someone who can potentially help you along this journey, my god, grab onto it if you can.
What surprised me most about these encounters is the fact that I am ready for a situationship or, dare I say, relationship. I know I have plenty to offer, and I know that anyone would benefit from the love I can provide. This one man in particular, even though at this time, we’ve only met a few times, feels lovely. No matter what our outcome is, he has shown me enough kindness which has given me an insight that I’m ready to play. Ready to connect. Ready to explore what it is that I want in a potential fling and/or relationship and by relationship, I don’t necessarily mean locking it down with a key, but rather exploring what it means to be young and open, allowing whatever happens through time shared together.
I used to hate the idea that our sole purpose in life was to find a “forever partner” but now I understand it a little more. I understand the appeal in finding someone who can carry half the load depending on the day and how we’re feeling, a certain percentage will be carried by each party where we’re able to tackle the day together.
Right now, especially during pride, queer love is surrounding us. What’s also happening is that the liberal government is taunting us with the possibility of our rights to queer love being taken away. What I’ve come to realise is that I don’t want to do this alone anymore. Yes, I have my friends but sometimes someone to call and spend the night with to understand that you’re on this journey together can be far more satisfying.
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