As someone who has lived with depression on and off since I was a kid, I want my 12-year-old daughter to inherit my values and my fashion sense – not my rocky relationship with mental health.
While conducting some research for my upcoming book about how to live a spiritual but non-religious life, I came across the work of the psychologist Lisa Miller and epidemiologist Myrna Weissman. It changed the way I think about parenting.
In the 1970s, Weissman commenced a three-generation study of depression. She found that the children of parents who live with severe and/or recurrent depression were two to three times more likely to experience depression than their peers.
This news was, well, depressing.
I began looking for protective factors to create a buffer between my child and the “black dog”. I came across the work of Miller, a psychology researcher and professor at Columbia University, who examined the benefits of a “shared spirituality”.
Miller defines spirituality as a close personal relationship to God or nature or the universe or whatever term people use to refer to something bigger than themselves. For me, as a non-religious, interfaith minister, that term is “mystery” – all the things I cannot know.
Miller’s research showed that ‘spiritual orientation’ can act as a ‘protective factor’ for people against the onset of depression.
So how could I help my daughter Ellie navigate the choppy waters of adolescence?
I invited her to join me in my interfaith practices, which I have adapted from the faith traditions I have studied. I do my bad-knee version of prostrations, in which I recite my own version of the Buddhist metta prayer, developing loving kindness for myself and all beings.
I talked to her about what I believe, drawing on the philosophy of the Tao, the Kabbalah, and Gay’wu Group of Women of Yolŋu Country in far north-eastern Arnhem Land: that we live in a universe which is benevolent towards life and creation, and it is our job to co-create goodness.
At her age, I had my Catholic confirmation, a rite of passage in which I declared my faith in God and the church. Without religion, there doesn’t seem to be a formal way to initiate my child. So we’ve come up with our own ritual.
My child writes “vows”, outlining what she believes in and what she promises. We invite three women to be her fairy god(less)mothers. I set up a little altar adorned with the four elements: a bowl of earth, a bowl of water, a candle for fire, and gum leaves to represent the wind that blew them to us.
I make a booklet for her with my favourite prayers from our ancestral backgrounds, because I want her to feel part of a community across time and space. I give her two figures from these traditions: the blue statue of the medicine Buddha, which is my mother’s family Buddha, and a rose-framed statuette of Mary from my father’s Catholic faith.
Ellie wears a ruffly dress which she has chosen for the occasion and reads out her vows. The women hold Ellie’s hands and offer her a blessing, which is something that they have reflected on and now wish for her in her life. We gather for high tea at a table the god(less)mothers have decorated with wildflowers, cake stands, and a lot of cheese, as per Ellie’s request.
I may not be religious, but I am spiritual, and I can bring my child up to live a spiritual, meaningful life. And while it may not be able to “prevent” depression, I can role model living ethically, in relationship with all nature, the universe, the known and unknown world.
I can take her on bushwalks to feel a sense of wonder, surrender, connection, and being part of a larger whole. I can be of service to people around me, showing her that community is a verb, a constant process of co-creation. And I can share my spirituality, showing her that every day can be sacred.
• Jackie Bailey is the author of The Eulogy, winner of the 2023 NSW premier’s literary multicultural award. When she is not writing, Jackie is helping families to navigate death and dying. She is an ordained interfaith minister with a master’s of theology and is working on a nonfiction book about spirituality in a post-religious world
• In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
