Dear Coleen
I was with my partner for 15 years, although we were never engaged and didn’t live together. At first he was romantic and caring, then he changed. He stopped staying at mine and when we broke up, we hadn’t had sex in eight years.
When we were together I felt so unloved and constantly blamed myself. I did everything for him, then five years ago he was diagnosed with lung problems and gave up work.
That was the beginning of the end – all he did was go to the pub every day.
If I wanted to see him, I had to go to the pub. He never wanted to go anywhere with me or treat me to anything nice and hardly texted me.
I put up with this for five years, then last year I broke down and ended the relationship. I tried to call to explain, as I wanted to be able to chat to him if we bumped into each other, but he never answered my calls.
Eventually, we ended up talking, but three months later he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and has less than a year to live. He got someone else to tell me and I was very upset.
I told her to pass on to him that I was sorry – no one had tried harder to help him and convince him to stop smoking – but I had to get on with my life, so he should forget me.
I’ve heard nothing from him or his friends. No one has asked how I am. Have I done the right thing by not seeing him? I suffer from depression and anxiety, and seeing him will make it worse. Do I remember the good times and try to move on?
What advice would you give to this reader? Have your say in the comment section
Coleen Says
It sounds to me as if you did your best for him and worked very hard trying to make the relationship work, but that self-preservation eventually kicked in.
You can’t make a relationship work on your own, which you obviously realised and now you have to think about yourself and move on. You can’t be with someone out of pity or guilt.
He didn’t reach out to you himself, but got someone else to tell you this very tough news. Maybe he realises you have moved on and respects that, but just wanted you to know.
It’s a very sad situation, but you mustn’t beat yourself up over it or feel guilty. Your ex had plenty of opportunities over 15years to put more effort
into your relationship, to treat you better and to take control of his health, but he didn’t do it.
It’s natural for you to feel upset by this and it might help to write your ex a letter, reminding him what he meant to you in the past and providing some words of comfort. It might help to give you both some closure.
And, of course, you’ll always have good memories from the early days of your relationship to look back on.
