Do “romantic comedy friendships” still exist? I am perpetually hopeful, but losing faith. I love my alone time, and enjoy coffees with women in my neighbourhood and colleagues from work. But, although these encounters are mostly pleasant, they feel superficial.
Thoughts of missing out on my “tribe” have been overwhelming lately; even back at school, girls seemed to clump together. Most are still BFFs 20 years on and living in the same town, whereas I moved around a lot growing up. I’ve only ever had one or two friendships I’d consider genuine and, until recently, it has never been a problem.
But in my 30s, I am so sad that I don’t have close friendships where we can share our deep thoughts and fears. This has been especially heartbreaking after losing a couple of best friends from university. Our friendships ended after 15 years when I reported one of their partners for sexual harassment and indecent exposure. They didn’t blame me, but their response highlighted that our values about women’s rights were no longer aligned.
I tried to connect with other women and was included in a large group of female friends, but it felt like a room full of fake niceties and endless snide comments about one other. Is that what friendship is?
It feels like the women in my life are always in competition with each other – is this a millennial thing? Or is it me? Am I shying away from them because it is too messy? I do find it hard to express how I feel with new people, so this is something I am working on.
My husband and I are best friends, and I don’t feel lonely in his company. And I have felt more settled after accepting my failure in finding new friends (at least I tried!).
The problem with films, and social media, is that they show concentrated snapshots. There’s no time for the ordinary tick-tock of relationships with their ups and downs.
I think the schism with your university friends must have been really tough and made you feel vulnerable. Standing up for what is right can be challenging to others.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Kate Merrick, who confirmed that she also doesn’t “know people who have friendships like in romcoms, in real life, because friendships and relationships are complex and complicated”.
I think your “moving around a lot” growing up may also have something to do with how you feel. People who have to do this can very much feel as if they don’t have a tribe (do listen to my podcast on belonging).
“I don’t know if you’re avoiding messiness,” said Merrick, “you may need or want to build up some additional resources to navigate the conflict and differences that come up in friendships [therapy is a good place to explore this]. The reality is that friendships can be messy versus the idealisation of these romcom sisterhood friendships.”
Merrick also pointed out that we’re “relational beings, historically we evolved in community; with elders and cousins and family all around us, and yet it’s culturally very different now. We thrive on connection.” Some people feel this anthropological shift away from community more than others. I’m seeing this more and more in the letters I get; it’s a form of loneliness, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Merrick explained that “30s is a pivotal age for women when we start to connect to deeper longings”. Merrick wanted you to think about where the sort of women you long to connect with might be. I know it sounds trite but there may be smaller, more intimate groups near you that could give you this, perhaps with women of different ages (who might be less competitive?).
It’s great you get on so well with your husband; it shows you’re capable of these connections. The question I would also ask is are you looking for an idyll that doesn’t exist and in so doing rejecting actual real (and maybe at times messy) relationships? A reader recently said to me that there are “friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life”, and I thought that was a realistic way of looking at friendship.
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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