I’m 19 and scared to have sex. I’ve had a couple of relationships in the last two months but whenever anything sexual comes up, I become extremely anxious and scared. I can have sexual thoughts about my partners but when they bring up wanting to have sex I immediately back out. I’m still a virgin and afraid that if I have sex with someone that that is all they will want from me. I want to experience sex but it makes me nervous to the point where it causes anxiety attacks. I’m OK with sending nude photos, but hope you may be able to help me figure out why I’m like this and help me to get over this fear.
Your sexual desire is connected with a sense of safety. Without the latter you will never be “in the mood” with anyone. Try to change your mindset by releasing yourself from any pressure of expectations to have sex that might come from either yourself or others. Make it your mission to simply enjoy being with people you like in non-intimate ways, and always withdraw if they make you feel uncomfortable. You have every right to take your time so wait until you really feel ready to be sexual with someone. Never allow anyone to coerce you into sex, and never force yourself to go through with a sexual experience for any other reason than pure desire. Given your true feelings about sex, sending erotic images of yourself may not have authentic meaning for you, and might be read as willingness to be sexual immediately. Instead, by holding back, you will send a different unspoken message – that you are discerning and will wait for the right person and the right time. Sex should simply be fun for you – and never, ever terrifying.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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