I love my husband of 16 years dearly and still think he is attractive but feel completely unaroused by him when we are in close proximity. As a result, our sex life has disappeared, which is causing a lot of resentment. Things that didn’t used to matter now do. I find his back hair and yellow teeth offputting. I don’t want to upset him so don’t feel I can tell him these things. He’s extremely proud and sensitive and would not react well, regardless of how softly the news was delivered. I feel that I am grinning and bearing every sexual encounter with him and he can tell. He is also the one who initiates sex and he does this through sending a text message, which I have to admit does nothing for me either.
We have to educate others about our needs, our likes and dislikes. You are being considerate in not wanting to hurt your husband by letting him know the things that turn you off, but frankly it would be a loving gesture to inform him of the truth, and it may just save your marriage. People who can’t deal with truth-telling (giving or receiving) are putting themselves and their relationship at risk. First, “grinning and bearing” is a very problematic choice. It can lead to a sexual pain disorder, as your body will eventually refuse to cooperate in becoming physiologically aroused. Second, only caring people who still hold out hope for continued loving and pleasurable intimacy will bravely ask their partners for changes they deem necessary; others choose other options such as withdrawal, affairs and breakups. Find a way to kindly and supportively – but firmly – encourage him to improve the fixable items. Be very specific about your preferred style of initiating sex. Always start by complimenting him for things you like, and be sure to reward him for a positive response and action.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
