Dear Coleen,
I’m 28 and I’ve been seeing a great guy, who’s 41, for the past few months.
He got divorced from his wife a couple of years ago and they have one daughter together.
His office is near the bar where I work and he comes in a lot with his colleagues, and that’s how we met.
Every time he came over to buy drinks, we’d chat and there was serious chemistry between us, and eventually he asked me out. He really is everything I’ve been looking for – good-looking (but humble), funny and kind.
We’ve talked a lot about living together and hope it’ll happen before Christmas. I’ve also met his daughter once, with the blessing of his ex.
What’s not great is that his friends (male and female) aren’t very nice.
They always manage to make me feel excluded and not good enough every time I’m around them. I’m talked down to, left out of stories and jokes, and generally snubbed and ignored.
They all went to the same posh schools and have known each other since they were kids.
I feel like that I don’t fit in, but don’t want to make it into a big deal either as my boyfriend has known these people for most of his life.
My mates say they’re just jealous and judgmental, but I don’t know. All I’m sure of is that I want this relationship to work, whatever it takes.
Coleen says,
Firstly, and most importantly, you are good enough. You are enough as you are and your boyfriend certainly thinks so, too. Do not feel intimidated by this bunch and try to find more confidence in yourself.
Maybe your partner is friends with them simply because he has known them all his life, and perhaps he needs to take stock and replace a few. They sound rude and dismissive and, yes, perhaps jealous.
I do understand why you feel the way you do – they’re older and have lots in common, and it’s always hard to break into an established group of friends.
I think you can talk to your partner without making it a big deal. Tell him you struggle to have a conversation with his friends because you feel a bit excluded. Make him aware of it, at least.
Also, you don’t have to see these friends all the time – your partner can still have a night out with them on his own.
And think about inviting some of your friends along to the next meet-up. Start arranging a few things where you’re in control of the venue and the guest list.
The truth is, you might never love his friends, but you do love your partner, so try to rub along with them when you’re in their company, which probably won’t be that often.
Your partner sounds great, so focus on the two of you.
