While Dwayne “I saved the world from an earthquake so please stop referring to me as the Rock” Johnson has been teasing his role in the utterly necessary Baywatch movie on social media for a while now, this week saw the first official image stride across the sand and on to the web.
To be more specific, it washed up on Johnson’s Facebook page, liked by 55 million people. By way of perspective, that’s almost double the entire population of Peru, which could make for a terrifying dystopian future if they were to mobilise and organise a coup.
The picture was accompanied with trademark enthusiasm from Johnson, an actor who is impossible to dislike and the only genuine reason to assume the new Baywatch might not be horrendous.
“Are we bad ass? Yes. Do we save lives? All day. Are we a dysfunctional family? Epically. Do we have fun? F*CK YES.”
But are we having fun yet? ARE WE? And more importantly, do Johnson’s fans even know what Baywatch is? According to many of the comments, the answer appears to be “not even!”, while others, who are clearly more familiar with the show, are just annoyed about the lack of boobs.
We’ve been promised an “edgy, raunchy and hopefully, funny as all hell” take on the original with a 21 Jump Street-style redo on the cards. It boasts five writers (!) including one who wrote The Pacifier (!!) and two who were behind Freddy vs Jason (!!!). But what can we glean from the first image? Does it live up to this promise? Are we on the edge, furiously aroused while laughing maniacally? Almost!
But first, there’s an awful lot of clothing on display for a Baywatch scene. If you then glance upwards from all those damn long sleeves, you can see a sky that’s somewhat washed out, suggesting dodgy weather and perhaps a restrictive budget that’s prohibited shooting at sunnier, more expensive times of the year. Plus Ilfenesh Hadera, second from right, looks genuinely cold and/or pissed off. I predict dramas such as “team must find jumpers that won’t get ruined by excessive exposure to salt water” and “snowman comes alive and affects beach attendance”.
Second, despite the obnoxiously casual nature of the shot, there’s some devious Photoshoppery already at play. Not that I was initially drawn to Kelly Rohrbach’s crotch, but the poor actor, taking on Pamela Anderson’s role of “blonde woman with ability to run”, appears to have come up (against) a cropper. Go on, look. Along with Zac Efron’s weak, gravy-coloured fake-tan legs, it’s almost as if this isn’t as natural as it appears. It doesn’t help that they all look like they fell out on day one of the shoot and had to be shot on separate green screens, after copious piña coladas to get them in the mood.
Also, I hate to make visual assumptions, but since this is the entire point of this piece, I’m guessing Jon Bass, AKA the guy who isn’t the Rock or Zac Efron, will be the provider of lols. He’s probably going to be less competent at the job, insidiously bullied by others off-camera and will never be taken seriously because he doesn’t go to the gym. But as it’s Hollywood and Kevin James has managed to romance Rosario Dawson and Salma Hayek, he’ll do just fine with the ladies. His female equivalent will be relegated to playing “ice cream-eating woman who isn’t allowed on the beach and ultimately dies at home off-camera and then is eaten by cats”.
I’m also intrigued by Johnson’s assertion that this will be an “epically” dysfunctional family. I’m thinking somewhere between American Beauty and that dinner scene at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But on the beach!
Well, be patient because we’ll have to wait until May 2017 to find out just how much sun cream, slow-mo and drowning children can be packed into one film. Probably a lot, even more and some, but they get saved by people who look like dolls that came to life.
