What’s the right age to realise new year’s resolutions are trash that won’t last until February? By about 12 years old, the data should be in: nothing is in any better order than it was this time last year and you’re a damn fool to think this year will be any different. Now give yourself a couple of decades’ leeway while you work other things out, such as who you are, and then you’ll realise that January is a time to relax and concentrate on keeping warm rather than making lists. This is something I should have learned many moons ago.
But January’s pull is irresistible. David Bowie is my earworm, crooning “ch-ch-ch-changes”, quietly, but not quietly enough. One tiny yet significant improvement must be manageable, surely? Yes, is 2025’s answer, but with a difference: I have decided that this is the year you should make resolutions for your friends.
It didn’t sound like a goer at first, because I think of all my friends, broadly, as un-improvable. I definitely don’t want to change any of their personalities. God knows I don’t want to put any of them on a health or fitness regime, and not just because that’s none of my business. It’s also quite tiresome to hear about it, and I wouldn’t have the luxury of not hearing, given that it would have been my idea.
But only two hours and three conversations into this brand new year, I was already brimming with ideas. My friend with the overdeveloped sense of responsibility needs to dial that right down. Ring-fence an amount of time a day, maybe 15 minutes, to dutifully do things for others, and the rest of the time, don’t. My friend who loves cats should get another cat. A friend who can worry simultaneously about dairy farming, the rising rate of ketamine addiction, mortality and a quick crossword should – well, it would be pointless asking her to resolve not to worry, but perhaps to do some really dangerous hobby like parkour that could make her focus.
It’s a totally different starting point with a friend. Not “How could you be better?” but: “How could things be better for you?”
• Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist
