One of the peculiar things about being a drag queen is that nobody knows how nervous you are. Maybe it’s the layers of painterly gloss disguising our trembling lips, or just that the sparkly armour of drag goes against the idea that a queen could be unsure of themselves, but it works in our favour as performers. Even though my heels quiver in the dressing room as the audience rumbles next door, the second the stage lights hit, all my fears are gone.
I wish this was the case for my life out of drag. As Glamrou, I’ve learned to feel invincible, but as Amrou, I often feel I’m walking on to life’s battlefield without any protection. It’s tiring and scary. I’m currently in pre-production for a feature film that I’m writing and directing, and I’m finding the self-doubt almost overwhelming. Can I really do this? Will it all inevitably implode? Am I going to waste huge amounts of money? In drag, I feel like a million dollars – but in my work out of drag, I’m less sure of my worth.
Something that has been helping me battle the burden of this impostor syndrome is enacting my pre-drag show stage ritual: punching the air and shouting “It’s Glamrou, motherfuckers!” while listening to an epic song that renders me the leading lady of my own blockbuster.
I also put on my leather stage thong, stare at my behind in the mirror, and emphatically say: “I have a phenomenal ass.” While I refrain from announcing this to film execs during industry meetings, I’ve found it oddly helpful to wear this same thong when I’m particularly nervous. So, prospective financiers who have me in their diary: if I look a tad uncomfortable sitting on your corporate chair, now you know why.
• Amrou Al-Kadhi is a drag performer, actor, screenwriter and author. Glamrou is at Soho theatre, London, 5-10 September
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