The question I am a 54-year-old woman with a good career and a stable marriage. I live across the globe from my parents, my siblings and their kids and I am child-free. I have reduced contact with them to brief and polite birthday and Christmas messages, which they respond to, but we have no relationship or ongoing contact as such. It is close to estrangement, and I have no desire to try to repair this. I am child-free because I always feared repeating my family’s parenting style and had no sense of my childhood as a positive experience.
I have become preoccupied with the idea of a legacy of a life well lived. I have always placed high value on social contribution and working hard. But, as I increasingly ponder the likelihood of dying alone and without children, I have started to become quite critical about the point of striving in my career, and how and what I should be doing with my time. I feel “being forgotten” is a realistic proposition – and it leads me to wonder whether this is liberating, and I can stop striving, do as I please, or should I strive harder and find a way of leaving my mark, ensuring I have a life that will mean something? Is this just an indulgent existential crisis? Do I need to just get over myself?
Philippa’s answer Oh no, don’t get over yourself. Rather than dismissing your feelings as indulgent or trivial, acknowledge them with compassion and curiosity. You are touching other peoples’ lives today by having written in to this magazine and making us think about the issue – that’s a bit of your legacy right there.
You do not have meaningful relationships with your family, and it seems this has caused you to think about who will remember you, and will it matter if no one does? The painter Francis Bacon came to mind as I read your email as he once said: “I suddenly realised, there it is – this is what life is like… existing for a second, [then] brushed off like flies on a wall… We are born, and we die and there’s nothing else. We’re just part of animal life.”
Adopting that philosophy takes the pressure off – or, if you want pressure, there’s William James: “The greatest purpose of life is to live it for something that will last longer than you.”
If we only lived for a future beyond our own lives, we would be in danger of missing out on what we have. What we have is now, and it’s our job to make the best of it. What do you want your guiding principles to be? My advice is, think about what your life includes: its meaning; engagement; satisfaction; and connection. These four principles can lead to pleasure and not necessarily only selfish pleasures either. To connect with others, for example, affords mutual pleasure.
Do you strive harder to make a positive difference to the world or do you decide, as you will be forgotten anyway, to liberate yourself from any such obligation? But perhaps it isn’t either/or, perhaps you can do as you please and still touch people’s lives in a meaningful, lasting way. Consider the question of personal legacy as more than just about being remembered, because by answering it perhaps you will find out what you want your life to mean to you in the present. What’s life about for you, your partner and your chosen community?
To help you get nearer an answer, try this exercise: imagine yourself on your deathbed, looking back over your days here on earth – what is it that you will be seeing? What were the wasted hours and how did you spend those? And what days were well-spent and what were you doing? What, of the things you have done, would you be most proud of? What are your regrets? Who are the people around your deathbed? Do you want to look back on a life that looks worthwhile to others? Or a life that felt good to you?
What were the very first thoughts that came to mind when you asked yourself all these questions? The first thing that comes to mind in this situation is usually the “true” answer, before logic and reason kick in to give you an answer that may sound “right” but does not resonate with you in the way a true answer does.
Experiment with meaning, engagement, satisfaction and connection. At 54 you are still relatively young. You have time to decide how you want the rest of your life to feel and what you want it to mean. Legacy doesn’t have to be grandiose or public. It can be found in the lives you touch, the relationships you nurture, and the impact you have on others, whether that’s through your work (paid or not), community involvement, or personal connections. Perhaps you will decide to continue to strive in your career, or maybe you’ll turn to pursue new passions, or find joy in everyday experiences. Whatever you do, remember that your life does have meaning and value, regardless of how others may perceive it, now, or after you have gone.
Recommended reads Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin D Yalom; The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
Philippa Perry will be appearing at the Also Festival, 12-14 July 2024 (also-festival.com)
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
