Introducing a new partner to your parents can be a nerve-wracking experience, but add in an age gap and you might have to face a few more uncomfortable questions. Just this weekend, Carla Jones'* parents flew from Australia to the UK for a visit, and had the chance of meeting their daughter's new boyfriend.
Carla, a London-based designer, is 41 but prefers to date men more than 10 years younger, with her current boyfriend, BB*, aged 28 - and argues she shouldn't be made to feel ashamed for her choices. The self-confessed cougar has dated this way for as long as she can remember but she realised just how important it was for her relationships after her marriage broke down.
Feeling lost, she turned to dating app Tinder and slowly began lowering her age preference. To her amazement, men in their twenties were lining up to take her out. But while some young men can use her as their 'cougar fantasy', Carla has managed to turn her sex-positive lifestyle into a money-making side hustle that she hopes will inspire other older women.
"Being a cougar is both my passion and side hustle," she says. "For years it wasn't deliberate.
"In my late twenties and early thirties, I was living abroad and just ended up hanging out with younger people. They were more fun and open-minded, and I was drawn to that."
One of the men she dated, who was six years younger, went on to become her husband. But in 2019 their five-year marriage ended.
"It was a hard time," she remembers. "I wasn't feeling great about myself and most of my friends were married with children or living on the other side of the word. I just wasn't meeting other single people."
In May 2020 Carla took a leap and reached for the dating apps.
"On Tinder you choose your preferences – location, gender and age. I remember starting with my own, which was 38, and gradually pushing it lower and lower."
"Suddenly all these younger guys were swiping on me. I couldn't believe it, I just thought 'are you serious?'"
"After my separation, I felt washed-up, that nobody was going to want me. Now here were these young guys who clearly did. It felt good!"
Two weeks of swiping later she was nervously heading out on a date, with a 30-year-old.
"I wanted to draw a line under my marriage, to relax and have some fun. But I was worried. As a younger guy would he see the 'real' me and think there had been some false advertising? Would he think that I was a catfish?
"Thankfully meeting him was like hitting the jackpot. He was lovely, showering me with compliments and attention. The date and the sex was amazing."
In the two years since, she says she's had amazing experiences with younger guys - and whilst dating multiple people at once.
"The most I've ever dated at once has been four, and I was in a 'friends with benefits' throuple for a few months earlier this year too," she adds.
"These last two years have been a game changer because I've rediscovered my sexuality and figured out what pleasure means to me."
While Carla admits she doesn't have a 'type', there is a certain age bracket she prefers, adding: "I've learnt that 25-30 is definitely my sweet spot.
"Younger than that and our lifestyles and maturity are too different to have a real connection. Older than that and guys are usually looking for a wife."
There's another advantage to men who fall in that magic five-year age window.
"Guys in their twenties tend to be more open-minded. I don't want children and I've realised monogamy isn't for me, which can be challenging when dating people my age or older."
But whatever decade they were born in, without a spark it's game over.
"I can't enjoy sex if I can't have a conversation," she says firmly. "If we don't connect on a deeper level I won't jump into bed, however young and attractive they are."
Following those instincts has brought adventure and joy into Carla's life.
"Now I'm passionate about sex, kink and pleasure positivity. I just want to normalise being more open about our desires.
"There are so many ideas about what women are supposed to do and not do, especially once you're over a certain age. But why should we just disappear into a corner quietly once we're over 35? We deserve pleasure too."
And when you're throwing the rulebook out of the window, there just isn't time to waste on people who want to make her feel bad.
"I won't date anyone who judges or makes me feel uncomfortable or undesirable for the life choices I've made. That's an absolute deal breaker."
Carla's friends have been supportive from the start and now Carla spreads the word to other single, older women.
While friends in long-term monogamous relationships have told Carla she's inspired them to help find their sexual spark again.
"I've said [to her single friends] 'maybe you should try dating a younger man and see how you like it?' I'm just opening their eyes to the possibilities."
However not everyone celebrates Carla's cougardom. On TikTok, she is constantly trolled and she no longer reads the comments on her videos.
And her confidence can be mistaken with some eager men, she says, who give her unwanted attention and send unsolicited pictures of their genitals, while making disgusting comments.
"They've grown up with porn that fetishizes older women and don't see me as an individual," she continues.
"I'm just a cougar fantasy, someone they think is desperate to sleep with every young guy or who wants to be a 'sugar mummy'. Sex with an older woman is just a tick on their bucket list, something to brag about to their mates."
Meanwhile, judgement can also come from those she knows in her professional working life.
When male colleagues from a previous job discovered her sex-positive persona Madam Mayhem on Instagram, Carla received some backlash. But she refuses to be ashamed.
"Why should I be? If I want to celebrate my sexuality, and if two consenting adults want to sleep together so what? It has absolutely no impact on my ability to do my job."
For now, being a sex-positive cougar is Carla's 'side hustle and passion.' She has an account on OnlyFans, is an affiliate for sex toy companies and sells cougar dating guides, helping young guys attract older women.
"Right now, I don't earn quite enough to make it my full-time job. But that's the dream."
"I'd love to work full-time in the sex-positive and sex education arena. Showing women the life-changing power of following your desires, and educating younger guys on how to have successful, respectful relationship with older women."
Partner BB is her biggest cheerleader. And when he finally met Carla's parents, it couldn't have gone better.
"There wasn't any awkwardness, they all got on brilliantly. Especially BB and dad, who sat there together making jokes about me all night," she says.
"It was amazing watching mum and dad meet the special man in my life. They want me to be happy and they can see I am. Who cares how many candles are on BB birthday cake?"
*Carla's surname has been changed to Jones for the purpose of this article. BB is not her boyfriend's real name.
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