Generally, our societies condemn cheaters. But we still usually give them the opportunity to explain themselves, which can impact how harshly they are judged. Take responsibility, show that you understand the effect your actions had on others, and you might be forgiven faster. However, some excuses raise more questions than they answer. So, we searched the internet far and wide, and compiled a list of the most ridiculous arguments people used to justify their infidelity. Were any of these legit? Perhaps, who knows? But they sounded weird nonetheless.
#1
How about “ it’s your fault cause you haven’t been meeting my needs” and you know he wasn’t working and I was working 2 jobs and pregnant with his baby.
Image credits: Christie
To learn more about how to look at these (and other similar) statements, we got in touch with marriage and family therapist Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT, also known as the Father of Modern Infidelity Counseling.
"Many of us have heard the phrase, 'once a cheater always a cheater,' and many of us believe it to be a fact of life," Dr. Talal told Bored Panda. "This can be attributed to our false belief in the idea that all unfaithful partners are immoral individuals who are incapable and/or unwilling to abide by the social contract they have with their partners and society."
"This is especially true when considering that infidelity is considered a taboo behavior across many religions and cultures," he added.
#2
"I just haven't been in a good head space since my grandma died" we were 21 his grandma died when he was 7
Image credits: broken_but_okay
#3
My ex told me that the hickey on his hip was from a ghost because my house was haunted
Image credits: Emily rose
Dr. Talal acknowledges that engaging in affairs is an immoral act because it violates the societal agreed-upon standard in behaviors as well as the relationship contract.
However, "it's also true that good people with a long history of moral living are capable of making awful, immoral choices like engaging in affairs," said the author of the books Unfaithful & Unrepentant: Affairs Beyond the Hope of Repair and Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing that Could Happen to Your Marriage: The Complete Guide on How to Heal from Affairs.
"So, what does this mean for the betrayed and the rest of the world who sees the cheater as a bad person due to choosing to commit a bad deed? Should we separate people from their actions and the devastating destruction they cause? And at what point can we fairly label someone as an immoral human being? These are all fair and important questions to ponder. There is no simple answer to these questions," the therapist said.
"The next best thing I can offer you is two observations I have encountered in my clinical experience."
#4
"We're engaged, but it's not like we're dating" 35 yrs later and I'm still confused by that statement.
Image credits: ~☆•M•☆~
#5
Mine cheated on me cus he didn’t want to ask for money and was hungry and the girl worked at little Caesars. I replied so she was also hot and ready?
Image credits: Meg
Dr. Talal's first observation is that many people have the potential for change if they have these four ingredients: awareness of the problem and its impact on themselves and others, healthy motivations for making the changes, the knowledge and tools needed to make the changes, and the opportunity and patience to put the new skills into practice to achieve competency.
#6
"I forgot we were exclusive" we lived together
Image credits: Ky
#7
"You were holding me back from the navy" after we broke up he didn't join the navy... He started working at a SMOKE SHOP
Image credits: vomitous
"The second observation is that there is a small segment of the population who are unable and/or unwilling to change their behavior even when you provide them with an ideal environment and the ingredients needed to be successful," the therapist said.
Who are these individuals, and why are they like that?
"It’s the unfaithful partners who cheat because of individual factors that cause infidelity such as in the case of individuals with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. This statement should not be interpreted as 'personality disorders are not treatable.' It’s merely a clinical observation of how these disorders can be very resistant to treatment and clinical interventions," Dr. Talal explained.
#8
He told me "well you were at college doing better for yourself so I did better for myself too!" we were done right then
#9
"If you saw her you would understand"
Image credits: Вивиан (Vivian)
#10
He resented me for being loyal during his low point in life. Didnt blame me. Just resented that I was simply there, being loyal. Being supportive or understanding or loving. He hates me for that
The important thing to remember is that just because some people cheat repeatedly does not automatically mean that all cheaters are incapable and/or unwilling to change.
"What we are forgetting to ask when we hear about those stories are two important questions: why are they continuing to cheat, and are the reasons behind the infidelity behavior the same with every affair?" Dr. Talal said.
The most common scenario the therapist sees in his own practice that contributes to multiple incidents of infidelity is the failure to appropriately address the first occurrence of infidelity.
"This does not simply mean failing to seek counseling. Many couples waste a lot of time and money in a generalized therapy process that doesn't get to the heart of the issue," Dr. Talal highlighted. "Failure in addressing the first occurrence is the failure in engaging in a therapeutic process that would help the unfaithful and the betrayed take the crucial steps needed to achieve full recovery. Those steps include identifying the type of infidelity that took place, the factors that contributed to it, taking accountability and acknowledging the impact of the damage, and implementing a concrete action plan for change."
#11
"You're pregnant and I'm stressed about it"
Image credits: catie
#12
He said I kid you not "I lost my sock and I was in distress"
Image credits: Renee.blaires
#13
"I wanted to practice to be better for you"
Image credits: Milo
A failure to complete one or more of these steps, according to Dr. Talal, often leads to the continuation of infidelity behavior.
"This is especially true when we consider that without identifying the type of affair and the factors that contributed to it, we won't know what needs to be fixed," he said. "This means there is a high potential for relapse and/or an inability to rebuild trust."
"Failing to rebuild trust after the first affair can cause the unfaithful partner to cheat again. It goes something like this: 'If I am always going to be seen as an untrustworthy cheater no matter what I do, then I may as well do it again.' More importantly, if we know what happened and why it happened and we don't hold the unfaithful accountable for the damage and/or do not require changes in behavior, then we are simply giving them a green light to reoffend. This statement should not be confused as blaming the betrayed for the affair. The statement simply highlights the betrayed partner’s responsibility in advocating for what they need from the unfaithful in order to heal and rebuild trust."
#14
My ex husband said he was stressed because I lost my job. I was out of work for one month! I had been back to work for months!
Image credits: Samantha
#15
"You stopped doing my laundry", well, I was in a car accident and had back surgery, the doctor told me not lift, bend, or strain for 6wks post op.
#16
"It was the devil trying to break us up"
Image credits: Jana
#17
I didn't think you liked me (we were engaged)
Image credits: Talon Majors
The second most common scenario of repeated offenders that Dr. Talal sees are unfaithful partners who are unrepentant after the discovery of their first affair.
"Their lack of repentance about what they did and how it negatively impacted their partners can obliterate any chances for healing from the trauma and rebuilding trust," he said.
Scrolling through the list, we can likely notice this manifestation
"The cause of the lack of repentance is varied and manifests differently from one person to another based on which archetype of unrepentant unfaithful partner they fit into.
#18
“I was bored and you live too far away” we lived 5 minutes apart, the girl he cheated with lived further away than me
#19
"There was a tornado near us and my anxiety was up" so I responded with "so you took shelter in her kitty cat?"
Image credits: M
#20
"It's your fault for not checking my location"
Image credits: Ab
#21
My ex said he was messaging the hook up ads on Craigslist because he wanted to see if they were robots. Lmao
#22
mine told me it didn't count because he couldn't finish because he was thinking of me the whole time
Image credits: krisco27
#23
"You were crying and that made me upset so I wanted to feel better"
Image credits: k
#24
"Her friend is a witch they put a love spell on me"
Image credits: Nati
#25
"You were on your period"
#26
"you did everything for me... I think you're my soul mate. but you were more like a maid and cook"
#27
“If you think about it I did it for us, that way I don’t get bored of you and we can stay together for many years”
#28
“I was upset and needed someone and you weren’t there” I WAS AT A FAMILY MEMEBERS FUNERAL!
#29
"Bro, I was gonna break up with you a few days ago and I forgot"
Image credits: no
#30
"You treated me too good and it made me feel bad about myself"
#31
He said he wanted to cheat on me before I cheated on him… I’ve still to this day never cheated on anyone before
#32
"I forgot you said she was off limits" we were in an open relationship and my only full stop was my sister and bestfriend.
#33
"I have split personality. That was my other personality Derek"
Image credits: heyitsjess800
#34
Because the produce went bad in the fridge (that wasn’t cooling)
#35
"You were too good for me so I cheated to feel better."
#36
“You changed” after I almost died having his kid
#37
Mine was “you were just too sad because so and so died” IT HAD BEEN 6 HOURS SINCE THEY DIED I DIDNT even tell him at that point
#38
My ex said “I was deployed, I thought it was okay” like no????
#39
"I didn't know my dad until I was 8"
Image credits: Vinney p
#40
His grandma was dying
Image credits: shelbztye
#41
"I have rib cancer and I only have 2-3 years left to live" He told his ex 6 months ago yesr before that. it's been 5 years and unfortunately he's still alive and well and has 6+ kids with 5+ women
#42
"I just wanted to know if our relationship was strong enough to get over it."
#43
The “you were pregnant & I was stressed about it”
#44
He told me he was having a hard time… I had in two years; lost my dad, had a horrific pregnancy, remodelled our new home by myself, gave birth by c section, got postpartum depression, got scolded
#45
i didnt want to reject her....her feelings would get hurt....
#46
You're guy's exes came up with excuses?! my ex-husband just said "Well I knew you'd be mad, but I didn't think I'd be this mad."
#47
Not me but my moms ex husband cheated on her because of “finances” TWICE
#48
“We have different music taste”
#49
mine said he thought it was normal because that's what he grew up seeing. i told him even young children know it's wrong to cheat (at games in my example, but point stands)
#50
“Because you love Garrus Vakarian and Astarion more than me” my ex husband’s excuse. THEY ARE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
