The question I am a 49-year-old gay man and have been in a happy relationship for 10 years with a really good guy.
There has been a lot of love and trust and mutual support, and I have been happy. But about eight months ago I met a younger man, in his late 20s, and fell totally in love. We had a brief affair and then he decided to move on. I think that he never intended it to be anything more and he never led me on or pretended otherwise, but I struggle to believe it was one-sided.
The problem is that while I accept that his feelings were different and that my behaviour has not been good, I am unable to move on emotionally and mentally. I feel miserable. I am also conscious of the affect this is having on my long-term relationship as I know I’m coming across as withdrawn and unhappy.
I have fallen in love in a way that I had never experienced and of a completely different order to when I thought I was in love in the past. I thought that the feeling would diminish, but I seem to be getting worse not better. I also am aware that there is a good person – my partner – affected and I don’t know how to find my way back to him. Confiding in him seems the ultimate act of selfishness. Should I take a break until I recover and for him to decide if he wants me back? I feel as though that might be the least worst option so that I can get back to my old self – or whatever self emerges – and we can both look at ourselves as a couple and see if we still fit.
Philippa’s answer The good news is that when we suddenly “fall” in love, we hardly know the person we fall in love with, and our imagination fills in the gaps so, mostly, what you are in love with is your imagination. Another factor when we “fall” for someone is that they have something we haven’t got. In sexual congress, for a moment, it may feel as though you have the attributes of your lover. For example, quiet people often love extroverts, feelers are attracted to thinkers, and often older people fall for younger people. It might be your youth that you pine for, but you’ve projected your youth on to an actual youth – and he has now moved on.
You’ve spoken to no one so, at the moment, you are not having a real relationship with anyone. You must be lonely, and I think this is the real root of your present misery. Eight months is a long time to be eaten up with a secret. As you are hiding a part of yourself from your partner he may be feeling lonely, too. We sometimes imagine we can have a secret, and it won’t affect our partner, but it invariably does, because something changes. It seems you do realise you have turned your good relationship into a non-relationship, because you are toying with the idea of throwing it away. Throwing away 10 years of love and companionship because you are chasing youth? It sounds as crazy as it is.
Your idea is to withdraw further from your partner without telling him why and that isn’t fair on him. You are not being your true self with him. He has a right to know and then his decision on whether to stay with you or not will be informed.
Maybe you are in the habit of hiding your true self and not fully communicating who you are with others? This will make you susceptible to loneliness and therefore depression. Maybe the last time you truly surrendered to another and were fully yourself was with the youth eight months ago. It would be another factor that makes sense of your infatuation if it was so. To surrender in a relationship means to offer something of yourself to the other without knowing how it will land with them. It means lowering your guard, allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It means surrendering to the inevitability that they may not see you as you might want to be seen. It means not thinking about what you are going to say next whilst someone is talking, but surrendering instead to how their words affect and change you. Surrendering means allowing and trusting others to be as they are. To surrender to another person is a risk and an act of love. Do you dare to show your true self? Do you dare to let go of secrets? Surrendering to another person is how we can let go of crippling loneliness, yet it’s a risk. But if we don’t do it, we are denying ourselves true connection with others and the opportunity to love.
I believe we all do our best to solve our problems, and even so, we make what, with hindsight, we can see were mistakes. I think your liaison with the young man was you trying to solve a problem you had, and to really find out what that problem is rather than me just guessing at it, you need some psychotherapy. Opening up to a therapist will give you the courage, I hope, to open up to your partner.
If you have been affected by any of these issues, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123; or visit mind.org.uk
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to ask.philippa@observer.co.uk. Philippa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) by Philippa Perry (Cornerstone, £18.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
Further reading
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel (Hodder & Stoughton, £10.99)
