My husband and I have two daughters who emigrated some years ago to two different countries on the other side of the world. Since then, they have married local people and have each started a family. My husband and I are in our 70s, having retired from busy professional careers. I had always assumed that we and our daughters, whom we adore, would continue to be close, and that we would play a role eventually in helping them to rear their children. I was wrong. My friends talk endlessly about their grandchildren and having fun with them on an almost daily basis. Their joy is palpable but I am bereft. I don’t like contacting my daughters and their families on Zoom as I don’t want them to see me crying. My husband is sympathetic but sanguine and resigned to a future in which our real contact with our girls will be, at most, one or two visits a year while our health holds out. Do you have any advice for my broken heart?
I really feel for you. It’s hard to be away from family in this way, but it sounds like your daughters emigrated some years ago and so I wonder what’s triggered you writing in now? Has something recently happened to make this particularly hard? Maybe there’s also something happening – or not happening – in your wider life that you could fix or change to help buffer you against this obvious sadness.
UKCP-registered psychotherapist Helen Gilbert wondered if you could look at the expectations you had. She said: “I got the sense a lot of this is you comparing what your friends do, but not everyone sees their grandchildren every day, or even that often.” We wondered how old the grandchildren were and if you’d always had that expectation.
It sounded like you have had a very busy, independent life and now your children have that: you and your husband have helped to raise them to be autonomous adults, congratulations. The other thing to consider is the shift from when our children are fairly young and need us – and this period can extend well into their 20s – to becoming proper adults with their own lives. “This latter phase, can require more work from the parents if we want to be part of it,” said Gilbert.
When we raise our children we are the centre of their world and for a long time they need us, and come back to us a lot, either literally or emotionally; we can take their presence a little for granted. But suddenly they fledge and they are off, and this can be hard. It could be a different job, or a relationship, or their own change in status from daughter to mother that tips this. But that bit – the fledging – sounds like it happened a while ago, hence me asking you ‘why now?’.
I asked Gilbert how you could be more honest with your daughters without making them feel responsible for your feelings or overwhelming them. We must never look to our children, even our adult ones, to heal us, or make things OK on an existential level. Or to make us happy. That’s not their job, it’s ours.
Gilbert said: “Try to allow yourself to process how you feel separately from your daughters. Sometimes if we feel overwhelmed, or have been holding something in, it can come out when we talk to that person.” So do try to find a place you can explore your grief and loss and feelings of sadness away from your daughters. If your husband doesn’t seem to share how you feel then maybe a therapist or a good friend who can listen and help you reflect.
Avoiding the Zoom calls isn’t the right way to go as your daughters may misconstrue your motives; when we try to hide our emotions we can come across as detached. Perhaps if you had them more often, if this were possible (shorter, more frequent calls) they wouldn’t become such a “thing”.
Gilbert wondered if you could say something to your daughters along the lines of: “I feel sad we don’t see each other very much – could we speak more regularly or is there a way for me/us to engage more in your day to day life?” Only you know what sounds authentic, but try not to be afraid to say how you feel with the caveats mentioned so that it doesn’t sound berating (not an easy balance to achieve!).
Also remember that things never stay the same. Things could shift again. In the meantime, look to enrich your own life as much as you can, and be honest, while taking responsibility for your own feelings, to your daughters. Emotional intimacy can occur even when there are thousands of miles between you.
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
• The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
