There’s nothing quite like some solitude to recharge your batteries and get your feet back on the ground, and not much compares to taking a break in a different country for a few days to explore and refresh your perspective.
For one woman, though, her hopes of a solo expedition to some Italian art galleries were dashed when a stranger invited himself along on her special day out. Not wanting to make things awkward, she didn’t say no but was privately fuming about the imposition.
More info: Mumsnet
Going on a solo retreat is supposed to be a peaceful experience, but for this woman, hers was about to be interrupted by a complete stranger
The woman had arranged to go on a day trip to visit some Italian art galleries and told her next-door roommate about it
The roommate told someone else, who nonchalantly invited himself along on the woman’s trip over dinner
Not wanting to be rude, the woman didn’t reject the imposition, but inside she was less than happy about it
Image credits: FrescoeDay
Furious, the woman went online to ask if she was being unreasonable and seek some advice on how to handle the matter
OP begins her story by telling the community that she’s on a sort of retreat in Italy. She goes on to add that she’d arranged to go on a day trip to visit some art galleries and do some sightseeing. She told her roommate about her plans, who told someone else, who casually invited himself on her solo expedition over dinner.
Not wanting to seem rude, OP didn’t refuse him but explained to the community that she really didn’t want to spend six hours visiting museums, galleries, churches, and having lunch with someone she has no relationship with.
OP says she doesn’t want to stop the guy from visiting the town if it’s his only chance but refuses to have her day stolen just for the sake of politeness. She concludes by asking the readers for some perspective or a way out of her present predicament, since she can’t believe she’s still being imposed upon at 46 years old.
From what we can tell reading OP’s rant, it certainly seems as though she’s having trouble being assertive and protecting her personal boundaries.
In her article for Psychology Today, Jonice Webb Ph.D. writes that one of the most impactful ways to develop assertiveness is to begin to take your own feelings and emotional needs more seriously. Webb goes on to highlight 5 assertiveness skills.
The first skill involves becoming aware of your feelings in the moment that a situation is happening. The second is knowing and trusting that your feelings and thoughts are valid and deserve to be heard by others. Third, when you’re hurt or angry, it’s important to manage your feelings so you can put them into words.
The fourth skill is attempting to understand the other person (or people) involved, while the fifth and final skill is to consider your surroundings, the situation, and setting, before you speak your mind. Webb writes that, once you put these skills together, you’ll be able to express what you need and how you feel in a manner that can actually be heard by others.
While it sounds like OP knows what her boundaries are, she’s still letting them be overrun, and by a perfect stranger at that.
In her article for PsychCentral, Chantelle Pattemore writes that, when you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid the feelings of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when limits have been pushed.
Pattemore adds that someone with healthy boundaries understands that making their expectations abundantly clear can help in two ways: it establishes what behavior you will accept from other people, and it establishes what behavior other people can expect from you.
Senior, licensed, and accredited therapist Sally Baker says, “If you come away from a meeting or telephone conversation with friends, family, or anyone, feeling depleted, anxious, [or] wound-up, there are probably boundaries being breached.”
In his article for Harvard Business Review, Joe Sanok writes that there are two types of boundaries: hard and soft.
Hard boundaries are non-negotiable. They’re the ones you have to respond to immediately and are unwilling to compromise on. Sanok writes that you can think of them as things you will never accept as reasonable or will never do.
Soft boundaries are more like things you’d be willing to compromise on. Sanok says you can think of them as goals you want to reach, but are flexible around, so quite aspirational in nature.
It definitely seems that at least one of OP’s hard boundaries is being crossed with reckless abandon in this confounding situation. In an update to her original post, OP said that she ended up not going on the day, claiming it was too hot anyway, and would go the following day, without the awkward company.
Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Dr. Jordan Scotti of Wild Heart Psychology to get her expert take on the matter.
When we asked her what she thought of the guy’s attempt to hijack the woman’s day out, she had this to say, “While I would also be put out by this man’s request to join the woman’s solo day out, I would not assume any ill intent or rudeness on the part of this man. He sounds more clueless than rude. Likely, he assumes that if she didn’t want company, she’d say so.”
Dr. Scotti added, “Some people can’t fathom others wanting alone time when they could be “in good company.” He’s likely to miss hints and need direct and clear communication to understand what to do next.”
We asked Dr. Scotti for one piece of advice she’d offer the woman.
She advised the following, “Be direct. She rightly noticed that he “touched a nerve” when he requested to join her. The fact that this is a sore spot for her – and she didn’t feel comfortable saying no right away – tells me that she is likely worn out from years of having her boundaries violated in similar ways. Hence, the tenderness and irritation that came on so strongly.”
Dr Scotti concluded, “Now is the perfect time to use assertiveness skills and clearly express what she desires. She can do so in a friendly and kind manner. And the sooner, the better! It’s only likely to get more awkward and difficult – and her ability to deliver the message with tact and kindness reduced – as the stress and confusion about their differing expectations for the day grows.”
What would you have done if you were in OP’s shoes? Is there any advice you’d have offered her? Let us know in the comments!
In the comments, readers suggested strategies on how to shake the unwanted companion, and most agreed with her that she was not being unreasonable.
