The question I’m a 30-year-old man who works in mental health. I’m due to get married in a few months’ time. I don’t want to invite my father. He and I have been estranged for several years. We have each other’s mobile numbers, but we don’t use them. My father has a lifelong alcohol-use disorder (AUD). He was a violent man. When I was 11, my mother managed to divorce him. Since then, we have mostly parted ways, but his side of the family still attempts to guilt-trip me into caring for him.
I have grown up, gone to college and am now enjoying my career. I have come to understand more about addiction. I don’t feel resentment towards him and tend to see this in a matter-of-fact way. I do not have any affection for this man, who happens to be my father. I have come to see him as any other person with AUD, but one who happens to have fathered me for a short period of time. (I don’t have fond memories of the time we shared in the same household.)
But as we get closer to the wedding day, I fear the absence of the father of the groom will be noticeable and commented upon, given that the bride will have both her parents there. I feel no love or attachment to him. My partner and her family say they’ll support me whatever decision I come to. Can you help me feel a bit more reassured, or less afraid about not inviting him?
Philippa’s answer What is it about weddings that makes us believe we must follow so many protocols and rules? You wouldn’t hesitate not to ask your father to any other event. What is the cultural norm we are trying squeeze into here? Is shame involved? Rationally, you know that having an irresponsible, violent, drunk father is not your fault and yet I wonder if you have feelings that it’s somehow shameful not to invite him. Are you imagining people disapproving of you for not having him there? Not inviting him is the lesser of two evils, but it seems it is still something of an evil. I think in your shoes I might feel the same way, but why? You know what you want to do, but self-doubt is creeping in. I wondered whether to say to you that you must invite him. Because then you might be likely to rise up in opposition and be more determined to say no. But paradoxical interventions are risky and I really would not like for you to have your father at the wedding when you don’t want him there.
When faced with the concept of a wedding, people have expectations. You are probably being bombarded with cultural norms and “shoulds” from friends, family and even Instagram, and I expect you are feeling some pressure to conform. You, like me, are a mental-health professional so you may know from experience that it can be easier to spot someone else’s issues than our own. A difficult childhood may mean that, as children, we had a little voice in our heads saying something along the lines of: “If only I was good, Dad would stop shouting.” Children tell themselves things like this and take responsibility for their treatment, because were they to believe themselves powerless (as they are) it would be too frightening. Too frightening to believe that someone out of control was in charge of them, or that they had zero power to make their dad love them and stop being drunk. Feeling responsible gives them the hope that if only they could get it right, the horribleness would stop.
I’m imagining something like that may be in your subconscious mind and you are again confronted with the possibility of getting it right or getting it wrong for other people, or even him. Rationally you know it’s not your fault he has alcohol-use disorder, but I wonder if the little kid in you wants to do what he might think is the right thing. You say your father is just like any other addict to you, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how you want to think of him rather than how you really feel about him deep down. There may be the ghost of the kid in you thinking, “If only I could get it right.”
We want to be “good” and get things “right” for the friends and family we do care about, because we want to be accepted, we want to belong and we want to be loved. You may not be being pressured into inviting him, but you may have been pressured about the meal, the ceremony and the flowers – so this wedding may be becoming something that has to be “right”, and then who to invite becomes part of this rightness.
Trust your instincts and stay true to yourself and do not invite him. Inviting unreformed alcoholics to weddings is often a terrible idea no matter how closely related to the bride or groom they are, and neither do you want anyone there to whom you feel (mostly) indifferent. Yes, people may comment on his absence; it’s no reflection on you if they do. It’s absolutely OK not to follow every cultural norm of the wedding ritual.
For help with these issues, go to Adfam (adfam.org.uk); Al-Anon (al-anonuk.org.uk) or DrugFAM (drugfam.co.uk)
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
