Dear Coleen
I’m a widow aged 80, and recently my friend, who lives at the other end of the country, invited me to a celebration lunch for her 75th birthday.
I was nervous of flying on my own or taking the train, and I don’t drive, so I declined the invite.
I admit I agonised over it for a while and didn’t let my friend know until a few days before the event that I wouldn’t be there.
Since then, she’s ignored my phone calls and when I did eventually get through to her, she was very cold and took great pains to tell me how wonderful it was that her friend from Spain had made the lunch.
She also kept talking about how busy she was and therefore wouldn’t be down my way for a long time.
To be honest, she’s always been a bit difficult – judgmental and quite intolerant – and my daughter has commented in the past that she’s like Marmite and not everyone would put up with her.
Nevertheless, I feel very hurt by her attitude after many years of friendship. I don’t know whether to try to talk to her again or just leave it.
I would appreciate your opinion.
What would you advise? Have your say in comments below
Coleen says
Well, I think it’s sad that she’s got to 75 and hasn’t learned much about relationships, and also that she’d risk a lovely friendship that goes back years.
I think it shows a certain selfishness and lack of empathy that she doesn’t appreciate the fact that you’re 80 and might not want to make that journey on your own, however fit of mind and body you are.
Most people in her situation would just say, “I’m really sorry you won’t be there and I’ll miss you, but let’s try to get together soon”.
Don’t blame yourself – we’ve all dilly- dallied over invites! I’m a homebody and pretty reluctant to go anywhere, which means I often stress over invitations for ages instead of just saying I can’t make it from the start.
Why not give her some space and an opportunity to reflect? Maybe keep in touch with cards or texts, but I don’t think you owe her any more of an explanation or an apology.
Maybe if she warms up and you do get to see her, you can mention you were hurt and point out that you don’t want it to spoil a good friendship that goes back decades.
