Teachers don’t get enough credit for all the hard work they do. The long hours spent checking homework, tons of effort put into guiding and supporting their students, countless PTA meetings—it’s all pretty tough. But there are silver linings. Not only are you shaping future generations, but you also sometimes stumble into an impromptu standup show.
Today, we’re featuring some hilarious stories from a few viral online threads, where teachers revealed the funniest things they’ve ever heard their students say. Whether or not you work in education, you’ll probably enjoy it. Scroll down for a good laugh!
#1
One year I was dealing with administrative conflict and was not granted permission to cross state lines for a band contest with my students (out of state trips require board approval). Was forced into a position where I told my students we weren’t able to attend the contest because the trip wasn’t approved. Had a student from Honduras raise his hand. When I called on him the kid said, “Hey, I’m really good at getting across borders undetected. I can figure it out”. I had to leave the room I was laughing so hard. Still remains the funniest thing a student has ever said to me.
Image credits: Little-Assist-1851
#2
I had a really bad cough once. It was a really shaky, echoing, rattly cough. So we're taking a test, and I cough, and a kid yells out "Yo you sound like my mama's 1999 toyota trying to start up in the morning"
I tried to get onto him for talking during the test but honestly I started laughing, which made me cough, which made people laugh, which made me cough...
Image credits: thecooliestone
#3
Someone farted in class and it was AWFUL. I said, “Someone needs to go to the bathroom.”
Instantly, one of my 4th graders said, “Someone needs to go to the doctor.”
I couldn’t breathe for 10 minutes and class was done. I lost all control and didn’t care.
Image credits: Frosty-Employer7599
Humor can be incredibly powerful! One study found that humor can have clinical benefits in older adults, as laughing reduces the stress hormone cortisol, which can impair learning and memory by damaging the hippocampus neurons. Humor therapy can be a way to tackle memory deficiencies later on in life.
But everyone can reap the benefits of comedy no matter their age. Laughter boosts our immune systems, reduces stress and anxiety, and helps make us more resilient.
Furthermore, the Mayo Clinic states that laughter also enhances memory, creative thinking, and even hopefulness.
#4
High schoolers were dissing each other, and one informed the other that "you look like Martin Luther King if he never had a dream."
Put my head down laughing in front of the class over that one....
Image credits: MonkeyAtsu
#5
My favorite was when the identical twin brother of one of my students came in to say hi to him, and this sixth grader looks at them, and then looks at me wide-eyed and says “is he… from another universe?”.
Image credits: blinkingsandbeepings
#6
“Sharing is caring! Unless it’s chlamydia.”
“AP means the class is advanced, not the student.”
“She only has a birthday every 4 years? But does she still grow?”
I write great quotes on the side of my board - my kids consider it an honor to be up there. One of my friends actually found me a special quote journal so I can write them down is a book and keep them for posterity.
Image credits: mamacrocker
According to Indeed, the average teacher in the United States earns $24.09 per hour or about $38,402 per year. How much you earn will depend a lot on your experience, what city or state you live and work in, and whether you’re employed at a private or public school.
Investopedia notes that based on the US Census Bureau’s data, median household income stood at $69,560 in 2019 and $67,521 in 2020.
Meanwhile, the Social Security Administration states that the national average wage in 2023 was just under $66,622.
#7
Met a student for the first time and in getting to know him, I asked him about his future career goals and what he wants to be when he grows up. He replied, "retired."
Image credits: dutchzookangaroo
#8
One of my students used to break out with, "Oh Laward y'all need to find Jesus" when other kids were acting out. To this day when I run into him he gets a big hug.
Image credits: Fit_Mongoose_4909
#9
1) class on Mozart, telling them how he never finished his last work, it was instead completed by his student Franz Xaver Süßmayr. I tell them how Süßmayr actually went to the same school I did, "omg really, were you in the same class as him?"
2) classic rock music from the 50s and 60s, talking about how the electric guitar is one of the most discernable elements for that genre, one student asks if they really had electric guitars in the 50s, another one goes "omg alex, if they had atom bombs in WW2 they also had electric guitars".
Image credits: imakeameanlasagna
Do we have any current or former teachers reading this today? We’d love to hear about the funniest things your students have ever said in class! Who was the wittiest person in school when you were growing up?
Can you remember if you’ve made any jokes that made the entire class and the teacher laugh out loud? We’d love to hear from you, so if you have a moment, share your thoughts in the comments below.
#10
My AP physics class was tasked with presenting the portions of a chapter because they bombed a test.
This group totally hams its way though their presentation. It was bad. It wasn't even cp level good.
At one point it dawned on them how badly it was going and they all just kind of decided to pack it in.
As they're doing so my best student says "Oh no, my education!" In the most deadpan disinterested voice.
Thank God the room was dark, or else they might have seen me convulsing and turning blue holding in metric tons of laughter.
Image credits: rvralph803
#11
One of my kids once said “Mr_____. I hit my head in gym. I think I have a conclusion”
“Yes you do. Go to the nurse”.
Image credits: Fuego-TACO
#12
I taught civics for my apprenticeship year
The first day, my mentor is telling the kids in a class that they will be learning about their rights. A kid raised his hand and asked if we will also be learning about out lefts. Perfect deadpan. I almost lost it.
Image credits: GarnetShaddow
#13
I have had a student for three years now that devotes a portion of her weekly summary to commenting on my mental and emotional state. "Mr. S seems remarkably stable considering the torment the freshmen put him through. I will watch him closely next week for an anticipated breakdown."
Image credits: unicacher
#14
Last year one of the boys was trying to demonstrate a kick to his friends (while my back was to him) and his croc flew off his foot and hit the ceiling pretty loudly. I turned to look just as the croc was hitting the floor and we stare at each other for a sec before he goes, with full apologetic sincerity, “I’m sorry, they weren’t in sports mode, that was my bad.” I couldn’t even get mad.
Image credits: gweneralkenobi
#15
"Schools are grocery stores for kidnappers."
Image credits: Usual_Court_8859
#16
When I was a student-teacher teaching Middle Schoolers, I was explaining that the some elements are unstable an only appear for a extremely short time.
One student literally uttered "Just like my dad" (him and his friend were giggling). I'm just thankful that my mask was on bc it was taking every fibre in my body to not laugh.
Image credits: No_Sea_4235
#17
Student handed me a pen and a blank paper. Told me it was my do it yourself birthday card.
Image credits: BackyardMangoes
#18
A student asked me if he could go to the bathroom immediately after we had gotten back from a bathroom break.
I asked him why he didn’t go when we went as a class and he said, “I was going dooky but Mrs. Jones (my co-teacher) told me to hurry. I was mid poo and now it’s coming out.”
So I said, “omg!! Go that’s too much information.”
He leaves the room and immediately comes back and grabs the book off his desk and says “reading material “ and runs out.
FYI: I’m a 7th grade teacher.
Image credits: we_gon_ride
#19
I was teaching an adult class made up of a mixture of 19+ childcare students and ESOL students. I'd put some images up of celebrities on the board and asked the learners to come up with language techniques based on an image. I went around the room for answers and came to an ESOL lady who said, "Her make-up is slapped on like semen". I almost choked. Immediately I presumed I'd misheard her (some chatting going off) and asked her to repeat herself. "Her make-up is slapped on like semen". I almost died. The other learners were whispering/giggling. She repeated it again. It was only when she started miming saying "Like semen... Semen on the floor!" that I realised she meant cement! It was a valuable lesson on pronunciation 😂.
Image credits: inkedblonde13
#20
Kindergarten. Kid (J)’s dad comes in to visit. His classmate’s mind is absolutely blown; “J’s dad is Black?” J is Black. The classmate who said this also has a Black dad. Absolutely amazing stuff going on in K.
Image credits: half-blonde-princess
#21
Had a student who spoke like and had the humor of an 80 year old man. Kid would make comments under his breath and was genuinely just so funny. I was so happy that he broke out of his shell by the end of the year, as I was the only teacher who paid close enough attention to his humor at the beginning of the year. Lord, hearing a 12 year old go “kids these days” unironically is still one of my favorite moments as a teacher.
Image credits: nervousperson374784
#22
Married to a teacher, but this story was told to me by my oldest child’s kindergarten teacher. With all the kids sitting on the rug, Mary read and acted out a story. She then asked the class if they wanted to hear it again. The class goes yeah, and as that sound went away, she could hear my daughter’s distinctive voice mutter, ‘I’d rather be dead.’
Mary said she had to stand in the hallway because she couldn’t stop laughing.
Image credits: Jonathan Kurtzman
#23
None of my worst kids:
“Omg I’m so sneezy, I must be allergic to something in here”
Classmate:
“What, work?”.
Image credits: Next_Midnight_6476
#24
I had a student who used a joke to open his “Animal Adaptations “ book he wrote. The joke was… What to you call a chameleon that doesn’t change color…. A reptile dysfunction. I’m pretty sure it was intentional, and it was hilarious.
#25
I worked at a summer program for international youth. One day students were going around saying 1 word about how they felt right then. Most were predictable: hot, itchy, homesick, etc.
I had one student, B, who was Crow Native American, and he and his cousin were two of the largest human beings I’ve ever met. At 16, he was over 6 feet tall and probably weighed more than 200 lbs. He was definitely overweight, but he was also simply enormous.
This particular day, when it was his turn to say how he was feeling, and he leaned back in his chair, looked me straight in the eye and said “Sexy.” then winked at me.
My co-teacher had to take over as I stepped out of the room laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I could hardly look at the kid for a couple of days after that.
#26
Sped teacher:
Walking down the hall and the kid looked at me deadpan and said
“How does Pac Man eat all those white dots but he never stops to poop.”
Image credits: chcknngts
#27
(At Walmart after hours) 6th grader, with his family. "What are you doing here? Did they forget to switch you off and put you in the closet til tomorrow? "I howled.
Image credits: Strong_Letter_7667
#28
During remote teaching we were discussing field trips, and how we wish we could take one, one student typed in the chat "I know a guy who has a van, he can give us a ride, he gives out candy in my neighborhood" and I'm not sure why but I could not stop laughing at it.
Image credits: GremLegend
#29
To the single most narcissistic human I have actually known well... their classmates are over itm its been three years of this... one of my very quiet ones said,
"If we admit you exist can we get back to work?".
Image credits: GeekBoyWonder
#30
First grader looked at his friend and his jaw dropped. “No way! We’re wearing the same shirt!”
…They wear a uniform. Every day. This was in February.
#31
I had a kid who said nearly nothing for three years. His senior year he joined the speech team, which I was coaching at the time. He showed up for contest with a speech entitled “why Dora the Explorer is a threat to America”. We were HOWLING.
Image credits: knittingandscience
#32
Kindergartener: I don’t want to become president because I want to keep my teeth
(They were learning about George Washington and learned he had fake teeth. This child then assumed that meant that in order to be president you must lose all your teeth and have fake teeth).
Image credits: watermelonlollies
#33
Doing a math problem that involved someone riding a bike ~6 miles to the beach:
"That's *gross*; take an Uber...".
Image credits: stumblewiggins
#34
I did a fun ice breaker. The game was teams of 3, teams get the same colored balloon tied to their ankles and you run around trying to pop every other color (and trying not to get yours popped).
9th graders.
My intro was “okay, before I explain the rules of this icebreaker, is anyone allergic to latex?”
Kid: “wait, what’s the ice breaker?”
Image credits: tuss11agee
#35
I'm just a student teacher but on dress up day my mentor teacher dressed like Napoleon dynamite. One student all day knew who she was. The rest asked, "Are you Jeffery Dahmer?"
And then last week they were talking about movies that didn't live up to the hype, one of which was Mean Girls.
"What's Mean Girls?"
"Oh it's an old person movie."
My soul hurts. I'm only 28. 😢.
#36
I had a student who was obsessed with older technology. He carried a full on old school briefcase to school every day. He once brought in a typewriter to type up his essay. My favorite thing he ever said to me was, “Ms. RoyalGeekness, can I play some smooth jazz on my Walkman?” once he was done with his in class work. He had an honest to god cassette tape Walkman. I loved that kid.
#37
In the past month, one of my 5th graders randomly shouts at one of the more annoying kids in class, "Sit your fat a*s down, you smell like a Discord mod!"
Caught me off guard.
#38
I helped a kid re-mix a 5th graders paint color they needed for their portrait and they said to me "I'm gonna need to report you to the church because that was witchcraft.".
Image credits: CuttlefishCaptain
#39
We had a bunch of crazy boys at the end of the year get caught for slap boxing in the bathrooms. It was all in good fun to them. Well, they got busted because video of what they were doing made it into the light of day. Well when they started pulling kids down to the office, they realized they were screwed. I had one kid look at a colleague and say, "Miss, I know that I should not use bad language, but we're f**ked."
#40
For context, I’m a health teacher.
“An epididymis? Isn’t that what Covid was?”
“You idiot that was an epidemic”
“So something has been on my mind for a while…. Do you think Tarzan was a virgin when he met Jane?”
#41
I work in pre-k. When I joke with my kiddos, I often call them "*silly goose.*" One time in class, I was doing a center with a small group of students when I dropped some materials on the floor. One of my kids looked at me and jokingly said, "*You dropped your stuff, you silly goose."*
Something so silly, but they brought a smile to my face... and to my heart.
#42
“I’m having trouble with my period.”
- Junior girl, in reference to waveform modification in pre-calc.
I managed to keep a straight face and address the intended issue.
#43
I was talking with one of my seniors about where we should get lunch during an upcoming field trip. He said "everyone loves six inches!" And then a look of horror. He meant subway, but I was too busy cackling to do anything. I'm friends with his dad outside of school so we had to tell him too, which was great.
#44
Not me, but my mother.
She was a first grade teacher in Alaska in the 1950’s, and Fairbanks was still a frontier town back then. One of her students, Hector, was from a homestead up in the hills. No electricity, no running water, outdoor plumbing, heat from a wood stove, food from whatever game could be shot, half a mile walk to the road to catch the school bus.
It was a tough life, and Hector was withdrawn and uncommunicative, having little in common with the other first graders who lived in town.
One day during Show and Tell, one of the girls brought in a gold bumblebee pin. Everybody was oohing and ahhing at the pin… and miracle of miracle, Hector raised his hand to comment. My mother was thrilled. At last, she had gotten through to Hector, it was the breakthrough she had been working so hard to achieve.
“Yes, Hector, what did you want to say?”, she said.
Hector stood up, eyes bright, excited to make his contribution to the discussion.
“We got bees in our sh**house!” he proudly exclaimed.
My mother managed to hold it together long enough to say, “That’s nice, Hector” before bolting for the door, where one of her fellow teachers found her sitting on the floor in the hallway, quietly laughing so hard that tears were rolling down her cheeks.
#45
8th grade girl: I was laying in bed the other day. Me: I do that too sometimes. Her: do you also find cheese in your bellybutton and eat it? Me: nope, I do not.
Image credits: emilylouise221
#46
“You have to let her go to the bathroom she has endocyclopedia”
#47
Preschool.
Student is telling a story about his imaginary puppy, Hemi. I ask him who takes Hemi out to potty while he's at school. He answers, "Hemi doesn't have to potty because Hemi doesn't have a p*nis."
#48
During a chat about the most recent Star Wars movie at the time (The Last Jedi) one of my very sweet students, in the perfect innocent child voice said 'Did you know, the actress who played Princess Leia used to drink a lot of coke.'
I'm normally quite stern, so the kids were at first happy because I was laughing, which turned to confusion and then concern as I completely lost it for a good few minutes. When I finally got myself under control, I managed to tell them 'You'll understand when you're older.'.
#49
Student complained about being cold in my class. I said, “maybe if you didn’t dress so scantily you would be warmer.”
Student: “How dare you!?! I am Not. A. Scant!”
Classwide laughter.
#50
I was 23 a few years back teaching 8th graders about the 1960s. One of my students asked if I was alive then. At first, I thought she was joking but she was serious. I thought I’d turn it into a teaching moment. I asked her when her parents were born and she told me…it was the 70s or 80s. Then I asked her if she thought I was older than her parents and she said “well no, but were you alive then?” Maybe in a past life, kid, maybe in a past life.
PS: I was getting ID’d for rated r movies into my mid 20s, so it wasn’t that I looked old lol.
#51
"Those shoes are nice. My grandpa has those."
"You're FORTY?!? Oh god! So you're going to be cranky now because you're going through THE CHANGE?!?".
#52
As a daycare teacher I got asked "Mx. J, why are you wearing mommy shoes? Did you have a baby?" I was wearing the same plain black tennis shoes I've worn every single day 😂.
#53
“Madagascar is a real place?”.
#54
7th grader told substitute he couldn't do the work I left because he "had more important things to work on."
#55
I have an 8th grader that recently shaved his head. He had done it before a long time ago and KNEW the insults were going to fly. He has a great sense of humor, so he laughed along. He got typical "Hey Mr. Clean". Stuff like that. The best was when he was compared to another teacher that is also bald. "Wow. Mr. H looks really young today." The other comment that made me laugh was, "If I rub his head will I get three wishes?".
#56
"hey you're old right? Do you have a micro USB cable?"
Said to me, a 22 year old student teacher, by a sophomore.
#57
I currently have a second grader who loves dodge rams. I told him fords are better. Oof. Every time he sees me (I pull him out for reading intervention) he goes “dodge rams are the best!” And draws one on my whiteboard before leaving my room. He thinks he gets under my skin but he loves talking mechanic talk with me lol he is full of personality and spunk.
#58
I had these tiny little tables in a room with 20 kids with 4 kids to a table. I was teaching 10th grade. Tables were maybe 4-5 feet across. Somebody screwed up the order and just didn’t want to admit it. Anyway I had a kid… let’s call him Jeremy… who was just a nice kid. Kinda portly, tall, awkward but literally the nicest kid, wouldn’t swat a fly. Another kid was sitting across from him and would get upset when Jeremy’s legs would stretch out and hit him under the table. One day this other kid freaked out, stood up, and said, “JEREMY STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR LEGS! KEEP THEM ON YOUR SIDE OF THE TABLE!!!”
Without missing a beat Jeremy says, “I can’t help it, I have these long dancer’s legs!”
When I tell you I fell on the floor laughing…
#59
When I was student teaching, I was handing out work packets to a class of 10th graders and I guess my packets were bigger than the ones my mentor teacher usually gave.
This one kid, when I handed him the packet, just goes “Ughhhhh, why is it so thick!?!!!?”
I had to literally just clamp my jaws shut and walk away to another table without responding, because I absolutely would have been fired if I had said “That’s what she said” to a tenth grader. And if I had opened my mouth in that moment, those were the only words that could have come out of it.
#60
Me explaining to my students that I have to learn work early to go get a shot because I was stung by a bee and was having an allergic reaction.
Kid: "a shots a drink!"
I mean...he wasn't wrong.
#61
Teaching some ESL students the word "talent".
I ask them what is one talent they have.
Local goofball quickly raises his hand, "Sir, I have three talents! One, I'm good at remembering, two, I'm good at maths...."
"...and three?"
"Oh right, three. I forgot".
#62
A while back, I saw a student dousing themselves in deodorant. Being the language teacher I am, I chimed in that colloquially, we call that a Portugese shower. She looked confused and replied, "Oh, so it's not called a golden shower?"
I knew she wasn't messing with me because she proceeded to google it and screetch after she saw me trying to contain my reaction.
#63
One student saying to another (who had an unfortunate rat-like face and was very annoying to the kids in HS class)
“Shut up with your Master Splinter looking a*s” .
#64
I am a freshman English teacher in need of a laugh today. We are in the final slump before spring break and I need something to make it through these last few days! Last school year I started writing down all of the funny/dumb/crazy things my students would say. Does anyone else do this? If so, I would love to hear them! I'll give you some of my favorites.
"Deaf people are so lucky they don't have to read."
*Student is researching the Black Pague for a project* "EWW! Why do they have hickies??"
"You're 23 right? You're still young! You could be out living your life, traveling the world. Yet you're here."
"Are you sure you're not pregnant? You've been more cranky than usual."
#65
Some students were talking about a bunch of kids who were caught getting stoned on the bus, one kid who overhead them said:
“Damn, guess that’s why they call it hiiiiiigh school”.
#66
I teach upper elementary. A student asks to use the bathroom. Comes back. A few minutes later, asks to use the bathroom again, and says to me - and the class - "I gotta go finish what I started". (kid had to poop).
#67
Day after Salem witch trials conversation/puritan conversation. Student: Ms. Teacher, I can see your ankles. Me: yes, my pants are cropped. Student: how does it feel to be a harlot? Other student: what does that mean? Original student: it means she’s going to puritan hell. Third student: it means she’s like, destitute and a loose woman. Me: I think we are going to move on now.
#68
Alright this is a little specific but I am a music theater. We are studying Handels Messiah and she goes “Handel is gaslighting me with these slurs” because they were just not how we usually see things marked in modern music. The whole class couldn’t stop laughing.
#69
Walked out of my office once to hear two students loudly arguing. All I heard was “oh yeah dude! At least there’s bikinis in my utopia!”.
#70
One student wishes me to enjoy whatever it is I have to leave the room for. "Enjoy your making copies." "Enjoy the bathroom" It's sweet and silly.
I had another student answer that Donald Trump is known for playing Minecraft. He's seen too many of those AI videos that make it look like Biden & Trump are playing video games together.
#71
The student who called my aggro dept head an “npc who spawns all over the school and yells at you” comes to mind.
Image credits: anon
#72
Not a teacher but I need to share this story on behalf of my 8th grade science teacher.
Lesson was on WHMIS safety and the question was how to properly smell something. The student who raised his hand to answer was this silly popular kid that fools around all the time, right? Guess what he shouts out… “QUEEF!!”.
😂😂😭 This time he wasn’t messing around, he was genuinely excited to answer and really thought he had it. The whole classroom drops dead lol. Our teachers mouth drops and her eyes are wide open, in total shock. And she’s like err.. uhh…
Then another student corrects him with the side eye, “it’s waft…”. Hahaha the student realizes his huge mistake and sits down, embarrassed but still laughing 😆.
#73
Obligatory not a teacher, but one time my old US history teacher asked:
“Which president dropped the atomic bombs on Japan?”
Student: “Harriet Tubman”.
