I have been in a relationship for the past six months. We are both men in our late 30s.
Early in the relationship, I discovered that my partner was using Grindr after we had agreed to delete it. He told me he was just chatting to people and then erased the app. However, three weeks ago I cheated on him with a random person I met after downloading Grindr. I have never cheated in previous relationships. That being said, I think my distrust of my partner led me to feel uncommitted and give myself permission to have a hook-up. It was quick, with me wanting it to be over as soon as it had started.
The irony wasn’t lost on me that I was the one who had been suspicious of possible infidelity on my partner’s part up to that point. I really want the relationship to work as I think there is a lot that’s good in it. But I can’t help feeling guilty for what I did. I decided not to confess to my partner because I don’t want to hurt him. I am also completely sure that I won’t do anything like it again, since I didn’t enjoy it. The questions remain, though, about how I can forgive myself and move on.
Monogamy is difficult. It is normal for human beings to crave sexual partnering but the odds are against us that we will never look beyond that one person. We have set up our human society with the strict values of sexual fidelity, yet we also have mechanisms such as encrypted dating apps that make casual sex and infidelity extremely easy. Eroticism is fuelled and heightened by fantasies of forbidden partners, forbidden situations, forbidden acts. Under the circumstances, it would be best if you simply accept this about yourself and your partner and try to focus on the other reasons you are with him. Remind yourself of the benefits and practicalities of being together, and nurture the comfort and fun you share as a couple. Although your sexual connections are undoubtedly important, it is the nonsexual connections that will sustain a relationship over a lifetime.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
