Dear Coleen
I’m a 30-year-old man and have been with my girlfriend for two years. She works away during the week, so we’re only spending weekends together.
Every Monday morning she gets in the car with our dog and doesn’t return until Friday evening.
So, here’s the real problem: for a few months, I’ve been cheating on her with several women.
It’s just sex, but I’m addicted to it and enjoy having this secret life that she knows nothing about.
Sometimes I get bouts of guilt and vow to change my ways, but then I go out with my mates and meet a woman or I’ll hook up with someone online and it starts all over again.
I was in a long-term relationship before I started dating my current girlfriend, which lasted 10 years. We were together from age 17 and it broke my heart when we split.
She got pregnant and decided she didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy and I supported her, but our relationship was never the same after that.
I know I can’t carry on cheating on my girlfriend, but I don’t know what I want. I do love her and look forward to seeing her at weekends, but when she’s gone I revert to acting like a single guy.
Coleen says
Well, you do not sound ready to be in this relationship or any other relationship for that matter. I don’t think you gave yourself enough time to be happy on your own after the previous relationship ended.
You needed more time to heal, figure things out and just have some fun.
You don’t need me to tell you this is unfair on your girlfriend and, trust me, if you carry on, you will get caught, however clever you think you’re being.
I knew a couple where one of them was cheating for 10years and they still got found out.
What you need to do is sit down and really imagine your life without your girlfriend – how do you feel? How would you feel if you found out she was also seeing other people while working away?
You’re in this routine where you’re in a relationship Friday to Sunday, then the rest of the week you’re free to do as you please, except she doesn’t know that. You can’t sustain it.
Stop the cheating and figure out the long-distance aspect or be honest that you need a break because you’re not sure you’re ready for commitment.
A break might help you see what it’s like to be free all the time. The excitement might not be there in the same way.
At the moment you are having your cake and eating it, but you will choke on that cake at some point.
