I’m a married woman aged 41 and for the past few months I’ve been having an affair with a guy I met on a work course.
He’s eight years younger and single, plus very handsome and sexy. I thought he was just looking for some fun, but it turns out he really likes me and wants me to leave my marriage and be with him.
This was a shock because that’s not why I got into the affair. I’m sick of my husband, who’s difficult, moody and entitled, but we have two children and we both agreed we’d keep the marriage going until the kids were old enough to leave home.
I’m pretty sure he has an inkling that I’ve been sleeping with someone, but hasn’t said anything. For all I know, he could also be having an affair, that’s how separate our lives have become.
Although I really like this guy I’m seeing and it’s an escape from the misery of life at home, I don’t think it’s realistic to leave my husband and break up our family for him. I’m also not sure he understands what he’d be walking into.
I’m so confused right now about what to do. All I know is, I’m happy when I’m with this guy and dread going home to my husband, but we have a deal. What do I do?
Coleen says
Deals can be renegotiated. It sounds as if this is an arrangement that might suit your husband more than it suits you.
I think you want to be free to live your life and be happy again, but perhaps you feel trapped by feelings of guilt around the kids.
A friend of mine had a similar arrangement with her husband, who told her he didn’t love her any more, but he agreed to stay until their kids left school.
She hoped that five years down the line he’d forget about it, but the day the kids left school, he left too, and at that point it was very hard for her to pick up her life.
There’s no right time to leave and I don’t think it matters a great deal how old the kids are – my boys were very young when I left their dad and Ciara was 17 when Ray and I split up.
I did everything in my power to make divorce easy on my kids, but it’s unrealistic to expect they will escape totally unscathed.
You don’t say how old your kids are, but you can’t assume they’ll leave as soon as they hit 18 – my eldest has only just left home and he’s 33!
Also, kids aren’t stupid – if there’s no connection between you and your husband, they’ll pick up on that and it won’t make them happy to see you unhappy.
As for the other guy, I think he’s your escape from unhappiness at home. I’m not sure you’ll end up with him, but he’s shown you there is a way out and you can move on.
