When you’re raising small children, having one parent stay at home can be a lifesaver. And many families operate this way; according to a 2024 report from Capita, around one in three families have a stay-at-home parent.
Problems may arise when the SAH parent starts feeling that their partner isn’t pulling their weight. Like this SAHM, who asked her husband for more help around the house. Yet his response was that he needs “me” time before work to answer emails and a couple of hours to destress in the gym after work. When he asked people online whether he was asking for too much, netizens gave him a reality check.
To know more about how spouses can distribute housework equally, Bored Panda reached out to the founder and CEO of Momwell, Erica Djossa, MA. She’s a registered psychotherapist, and the author of Releasing the Mother Load, and she kindly agreed to explain how important the mental well-being of both parents is and how partners can balance distributing housework without feeling resentment.
More info: Momwell | Releasing The Mother Load | Instagram | Facebook | TikTok | Podcast
A husband thought he was entitled to some “me” time despite his wife being absolutely drowning in housework
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
When his wife asked him for help around the house, he thought she was being unfair
Image credits: choreograph (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Visual_Witness8051
The mental health of a parent matters, but not at the cost of the other’s
There’s nothing wrong with a parent who wants some time for themselves. Mental wellness is important for both parents; unfortunately, often, one parent bears the bigger brunt of the housework.
The author of Releasing the Mother Load Erica Djossa says that no one partner should be shouldering the full mental and physical load of the household. “The key is equity—ensuring that both parents have time for themselves while also sharing responsibilities fairly,” she emphasizes.
“Everyone’s mental health and well-being matter. If one person’s needs are being met at the cost of the other’s, it’s only a matter of time before the imbalance takes a toll.”
Yet, the norm is usually different. Recent research shows that 71% of mothers still handle the vast majority of household tasks that require mental effort. Djossa explains that some families might operate like this unconsciously.
“One person (usually the mother) takes on the role of protector of their partner’s time,” she says. “Ensuring he gets his morning routine, not interrupting his work schedule, or defaulting to handling everything because it feels easier than asking for help.”
Mothers, in turn, often have little leeway in how they can plan their days. “Mom’s time is often already prescribed—dictated by the unending needs of the household and children,” Djossa says. “There is little room for spontaneity or choice in how they spend their time because it’s consumed by tasks that need to get done.”
One parent then becomes way less autonomous than the other one. Dads usually have more flexibility and can choose how they spend their time. For mothers, their time is often structured around the needs of others: the children, the husband, or, in the case of this story, an ill family member.
Image credits: christening (not the actual photo)
Over-functioning moms might start resenting their partners over time
When there’s an imbalance in how housework and the mental load are distributed, moms are usually over-functioning and dads under-functioning. Over time, mothers might start feeling burnt out, maybe even resent their partners. Mental health issues like anxiety and depression might set in.
Such a family dynamic reinforces traditional gender roles as well. “[It] positions moms as default caregivers and dads as optional participants in household management,” Erica Djossa explains. “This isn’t sustainable—not for the individual, the partnership, or the family as a whole.”
According to Djossa, a healthier approach is to recognize that both parents need rest, autonomy and care. Both the mom and the dad need space to recharge. “This might mean setting clear agreements, alternating solo time, or restructuring routines to ensure that the burden doesn’t default to one person,” Djossa points out.
Image credits: KAL VISUALS (not the actual photo)
Partners can address this without blaming each other: it’s not that one partner is failing, but the result of systemic expectations
So, what can parents do if they feel that the distribution of housework is unequal? According to Djossa, couples need to clearly recognize the real problem. “[It’s] not that one person is ‘failing’ but that the system they’re operating within is unequal,” the psychotherapist tells Bored Panda.
“The real issue isn’t just an imbalance of tasks—it’s the deeply ingrained gender norms that lead to mothers carrying the default load in the first place.”
“Too often, caregiving and household management are seen as a mother’s domain, while fathers are positioned as ‘helpers’ rather than equal partners,” Djossa explains. “This systemic expectation makes it easy for one partner (usually the mom) to become overwhelmed while the other (often the dad) may not even realize the extent of what’s being carried.”
People in the comments didn’t hold back and called the man out
However, there were a couple of people who sided with the husband
