Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) isn’t for everyone. From the 271 readers who wrote in to share their experiences, this was the most popular piece of advice. There is not a lot of reliable data about how commonplace non-monogamy is, but if features from the New Yorker to the Daily Mail are anything to go by, it’s certainly becoming more mainstream.
Most dating apps now allow users to indicate their preference for non-monogamy in their profiles and depictions of the various forms it can take are on the rise in popular culture.
As with any good relationship, readers who have experience with ENM say self-awareness and communication are key to keeping things harmonious. Couples in particular should proceed with caution, as opening things up can create more problems than it solves. “Your relationship has to be rock solid,” one reader put it, while many others warned that introducing new partners is no panacea for a failing marriage.
From open relationships to polyamory, polycules and relationship anarchy, readers below share recipes for success and some cautionary tales about opening one’s heart (and bed) to more than one person at a time.
‘There is a lot to let go of when you start exploring’
After a failed attempt at opening a long-distance relationship six years ago, I wanted to learn how to make it work and I have been practising ENM for the last four years.
I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for nearly three years with my primary partner. We both have other partners, some casual, some more romantic, and are welcome to explore love and sexuality as far as we choose within these relationships. Our only agreement is that we use barrier contraception with other partners. Everything else is up for discussion and flexible.
There is a lot to let go of when you start exploring ENM. You have to learn to deal with jealousy in a way that doesn’t rely on convincing yourself that you’re the hottest/coolest/best person your partner has ever met. Instead, you must develop security that is based on the connection that exists between you and your partners, trusting that real love is not based on competition or comparison, but connection – which has nothing to do with anyone else.
Mel, Melbourne, Australia
‘Initially I had lots of short-term partners but it got tiring’
I split up with my high school sweetheart in 2017 and ended up dating around 100 people that first year. I learned about ENM from roughly 5% of them and one of those people became my “nesting partner”.
Today my ENM involves living with my nesting partner and seeing my non-nesting partner one to three times a week for chats, snacks, excursions. Initially I had lots of short-term partners, but it got tiring and I’m not interested in seeing anyone other than my two current partners.
Being in ENM relationships takes away lots of the stress of “getting in trouble” for being interested in others. It has improved my ability to communicate my wants and needs and I’m much better at time management now. Books like More Than Two, Opening Up and Nonviolent Communication can be helpful as you get started.
Kevin, 37, Brisbane, Australia
‘It isn’t something that piques curiosity as much any more’
I am a gay man. I have been with my husband for over 10 years and married to him for six of those. We have been in a throuple relationship with another man for the last four years.
When we first started telling our friends and family, the questions would come thick and fast: “How does it work?” “Don’t you get jealous?” “Do you all sleep in the same bed?” “Does one get more attention than the other?”
I think over the last year or so, people are less taken aback. It isn’t something that piques curiosity as much any more because it has become more common or less hidden.
Each of us brings something different and special to the relationship. We get different things from each of our partners. When I’m upset, I have two times the love comforting me. Organising appointments when all three of us are available is an actual nightmare though.
Anonymous, Australia
‘Apart from some poorly behaved men, it has been a great experience’
After a negative experience, I didn’t want a full-time relationship. I didn’t feel up to taking on the full weight of another person’s wellbeing. I was very attracted to the idea of the open and honest communication that is the key feature of successful ENM too.
Results so far have been mixed: the first guy I dated claimed to be in an open relationship, but I didn’t believe his partner knew she was. So I bailed. Another guy wanted to tell me in great detail about his relationships and interactions with others, but couldn’t extend me the same courtesy. So I bailed.
Things were going well with the last guy I dated. Until his wife left him. He kept that from me and became very needy without explanation. Eventually, he confessed but the nature of the relationship had changed and become something I wasn’t interested in pursuing.
Apart from some poorly behaved men, it has been a great experience. I have learned a lot about myself, what I need from the world and what I am prepared to tolerate. I’m happily single and open to meeting new people, but not at the expense of my own wellbeing. I am definitely a better person as a result of it.
My advice to the ENM curious would be: if anything feels off and the pact of open and frank communication isn’t respected, then jump ship immediately.
Anonymous, Australia
‘Your relationship has to be rock solid’
My wife and I have been married for 11 years and decided to explore ENM about a year ago. We are very much in love and our sex life was definitely good, but after almost a decade, it was starting to get routine and stale. We began to entertain the idea of having a third in our bed. Initially we tested the idea through role play, to make sure the fantasy worked for us. From there we progressed slowly to having online friends sext my wife while we were in bed together. We took our time to push those boundaries, little by little, until we finally felt ready to have a third person physically in our bed.
While our marriage is now open, I have not actively sourced playmates for myself. I might do so in future but for now my attention is purely on my wife, letting her enjoy her experiences.
Finding compatible playmates can be hard and the lifestyle can open the door to a whole bunch of undesirables. I take on the task of weeding out dubious characters. Your relationship has to be rock solid before you even could think of embarking on this lifestyle and if you do so, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.
It has totally transformed our sex life, amplified our attraction to each other and strengthened our relationship further.
Jared, Singapore
‘STDs aren’t something to take lightly’
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t aware of ENM. When I went to university, it was fully accepted in my social circles.
I am confident in myself and my worth, and don’t take it as a personal insult if someone wants something I personally can’t provide. Open relationships have always been the norm for me, even though I am monogamous. For me it meant I could spend more time on my studies without worrying that I was neglecting my partner.
When I met my now husband as a postgraduate researcher, we were both presenting at the same conferences but researching in different countries. We knew we had something special but I didn’t want to restrict him to a limited sex life, so I suggested an open relationship very early on. Like me, he is monogamous and refused, which I accept.
Although we now live together, I still wouldn’t mind an open relationship. You don’t have to be the perfect person, because several people might be working to fulfil your partner’s needs. While he’s more than enough for me and I try my best to be everything he could want in a partner, I find this situation more stressful than an open relationship. It’s a lot of responsibility. If he wanted to open up our relationship in the future, I would be happy to.
That said, STDs aren’t something to take lightly. Even with condoms, my stipulation for any open relationship is frequent testing.
Anonymous, Norway
‘We’ve done a lot of learning and built a shared map’
I was in a monogamous relationship for all of my 20s. I learned about ENM through my reading tastes (bless Kindle smut). I began researching and shared it all with my long-term partner. After six solid months of research, talking and having a great counsellor support us, we opened our relationship in its ninth year. And then fell hard and fast for other people. Eventually, we stopped fitting in each other’s lives, so we separated amicably.
For the last six years I’ve been with the man I fell in love with. We live together but have maintained an ENM relationship since day one. I have three other partners, two males and one female, whom I’ve been seeing for five, two and just coming up on a year, respectively – and all those relationships are open.
My nesting partner is dating a wonderful woman too. These days it feels magical. We are lucky enough that everyone gets along with everyone else and we all hang out often.
While there have been some painful misinterpretations and miscommunications, we try to regard the more challenging experiences as chances to grow. We’ve done a lot of learning and built a shared ethical map. The connections we share are like a weird wonderful extended family and I feel like the extremely lucky matriarch.
Prue, Sydney, Australia
‘I existed more for them than who I was as a person’
I didn’t seek out non-monogamy as much as I found myself in it. After my marriage broke down, a relationship started between me and a long-term couple I knew. The man and I had been close mates for nearly 20 years and I’d grown close to his partner of seven years too.
The relationship between the three of us began organically. It was just one of those “it feels right” things. Like most relationships, the early days were full of excitement. We would shop together, go to the beach, perform domestic tasks. A lot of normality. But two years ago, they welcomed a beautiful little girl into the polycule.
This development has not been a positive experience for me. Once there was a child involved, my relationship with my female partner became strained by her family’s rejection of me. I was often asked to leave if her mother was coming over and I was never allowed at family dinners or birthdays or Christmas celebrations.
I was invited into an existing relationship and whether I relegated myself to the background, or was left there, is unclear to me.
Other little things ate away at the trust too. I always sat in the back seat of the car for example. I didn’t officially live with them, but for a long time I spent more time there than my own home and did most of the cooking for everyone. I often felt I existed more for what I could be and do for them than who I was as a person.
My relationship with him remains close, though the dwindling intimacy is beginning to feel elicit since she no longer takes my calls. I miss both of them.
Going into a pre-existing relationship as a so-called “unicorn” can be incredibly risky. Dynamics will have been established before you came along and if you are emotionally vulnerable – as I was, on the rebound from a marriage breakup – you might find yourself struggling to articulate your feelings and advocate for your own needs. There were so many conversations we didn’t have that we should have.
Just like a monogamous relationship, there is always the possibility of falling into what seems like a safe situation, only to wake up months or years later and realise things weren’t as rosy as they seemed. ENM might seem glamorous and fun, but it still involves humans, and humans are messy. The grief that comes along with a breakup cuts just as deep as a monogamous one and can even be multiplied.
It can be a beautiful experience. I only wish I had been brave enough to expect, and realise, I deserve better.
Suzanne, Brisbane, Australia
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length
