Everyone needs feedback at work from time to time.
But depending on how it's delivered and received, it can be constructive, useful or incredibly detrimental.
So what's the best way to do it?
There are many different approaches — take the well-known 'shit sandwich' technique, for example.
"The name speaks for itself ," author Sheila Heen tells ABC RN's This Working Life.
Ms Heen is a professor at Harvard Law School and author of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.
"You say something positive, then you fit in the real thing that you need to say — the negative — and then you try to end on a high note," she explains.
She says people will often become suspicious if feedback is delivered in this way. Instead it's better to be open and direct.
"Balance the feedback. [Say] 'I do have a couple of suggestions that are important and that we should talk about. But just to be clear, this is like five per cent of the job'." Ms Heen says.
"[You could add:] 'There are a whole bunch of other things that you're doing incredibly well, and I'm totally happy to talk about those in detail'."
Coaching of this kind enables someone to get better at their job.
She says it's vital to provide appreciation to hedge against burnout. People are more receptive to coaching if they are appreciated, she says, and the organisation will retain talent.
"It's what keeps people motivated and engaged. If they know that other people see all the blood, sweat and tears they're putting into their job and what they're doing well, then they'll stick with it and feel less burned out or dismissed," she explains.
How was it handled?
Ms Heen says it's important for those delivering feedback to create a two-way conversation.
Nicole, who is a training facilitator, has had experience of this being done well – and not so well.
On one occasion, she felt ambushed by her manager. "My boss called me into the office [and] he said 'How was that training that you did last week?," she remembers.
"I said 'It was all fine and went okay. It wasn't great, but it was alright.' And he goes, 'There's been a complaint by the client'."
Another time, the way that similar feedback was handled made a big difference.
"[My boss] said, 'Look, we've had a complaint from the client. But I really want to understand what your perspective was and what was going on so that we can have a chat about it'."
The trainer says having an in-depth conversation about what had happened helped, and she was more open to feedback after that.
Are you being too sensitive? Or insensitive?
Learning to receive feedback well is just as important as giving it well, says Ms Heen, who has some tips
Firstly, when you receive feedback, try and hold back on deciding whether you agree or disagree with it too quickly, she says.
"When people come at me with feedback, I'm scanning it for what's wrong with it. Is that good or bad advice? Would it work? Do they have their own agenda?" she says.
"But the skill of getting good at receiving [feedback] is actually to wait and first understand what your giver is trying to tell you. And to sit with it and unpack and try to understand 'Is this sitting in a blind spot [for me]'?
"And then to choose which part of it [is right]. Ten per cent of it might be right, the other ninety per cent I can get rid of."
Individual sensitivity to feedback — how upset you get and how long it takes you to recover — can vary widely.
For example, someone who's kept awake at night or is upset for days on end after receiving feedback may be highly sensitive to feedback, she says.
Alternatively, those who are insensitive to feedback can at times be completely unaware of it.
"[Someone says] 'You know, Sarah does it this way'. And you're like, 'Yeah, good for Sarah, who cares? Like, are you trying to tell me something'?"
"It's not better or worse to be sensitive or insensitive. The challenges are just different," she says.
How are you reacting?
Ms Heen says there are three kinds of reactions people can have when they receive feedback, and it's worth paying attention to how you react.
The first one is what she dubs the truth trigger, where the receiver questions the substance or quality of the feedback, and whether it's good or bad advice.
The second is a relationship trigger, which comes down to who's giving the feedback. Do you like that person? Do you trust them? Do you want to be like them?
"And this is why your best friend can tell you something that nobody else can," Ms Heen says.
However, people we don't want to be like also have something valuable to offer.
"There are times when the most valuable players in your learning are actually the people you find most challenging to work with," she says.
This is because when you work together easily with someone, often your styles line up.
"They don't really see your edges because you're so compatible. The people you find difficult to work with, they do see your edges," she says.
"They're the ones who if you asked, 'Hey, what's one thing that if I changed it, you think would make a difference here?', they surely would have an answer that will start a conversation.
"[It could be something] that will help the two of you understand what is hard about working together or collaborating."
And just because you ask for the feedback doesn't mean you have to take the feedback.
"But being curious about it and starting that conversation can often actually improve the relationship," she says.
Paradoxically, the more senior a person becomes, the more people are affected by their blind spots, yet fewer people will risk giving them feedback.
"So as a leader, you actually need more and more advanced receiving skills," she adds.
The final trigger Ms Heen identifies is the identity trigger, which has everything to do with the story we tell ourselves about who we are.
"Feedback can feel like a verdict about who we are or how we are. But actually, of course, we are always growing and changing," she says.
"So if I hear feedback, [I think] 'OK, well, this is telling me something about where I am now'. But it's an opportunity for me to get better at that, or to be more aware of it."
RN in your inbox
Get more stories that go beyond the news cycle with our weekly newsletter.
