When Alan was 10 years old, life wasn’t always easy. Due to his academic talents, he was able to skip two years of school, but still found the work too simple. His parents decided home schooling would be a better option, but that also came with challenges. “I was bullied by the local neighbourhood kids and had no friends,” he says. “My mom started looking for other kids my age who I might get along with.”
In the summer of 1983, she took him to meet JJ, who lived on a nearby farm in Lake Orion, Michigan.
JJ was also academic and feeling socially isolated at school. “I didn’t have any close friends at the time,” he says. “It was really nice to talk to someone who had a similar experience.” Alan says they clicked instantly. “We were on the same wavelength.”
Alan introduced JJ to Dungeons and Dragons, while JJ showed his friend how to play a card game called canasta. “We liked the same weird things,” says JJ. “I was heavily into fantasy at the time and we both loved reading books and talking.” They also went to the same church and became altar boys together.
When he was 13, Alan and his family moved to a small town 20 miles away. JJ admits he was “terribly sad” when Alan left. “We were limited because long-distance phone calls were really expensive back then,” he says.
At 16, Alan started at Oakland University, where he studied psychology. By then, both boys were able to drive, so they could see each other more often. Two years later, JJ joined the same college to study computer science and they found jobs together in the computer lab. “We also made a group of friends who were all interested in the same things,” says JJ.
After graduating, Alan worked briefly in tech support, before doing a doctorate in church history at the University of Chicago. He worked as a pastor for seven years in Indiana and got married in 2000. Around the same time, JJ left college early without graduating and found a job in technology. “We were some of the first people to use the internet, so our skills were in demand,” he says. He got married in 1997, to a woman he met at Alan’s 21st birthday.
The pair stayed in touch, but saw each other less frequently. In the early 00s, JJ struggled with mental health problems and was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder. “Despite what he was going through, he still always made an effort to speak to me,” says Alan.
Callout
As well as his own health concerns, JJ was also caring for his wife, who suffered with complications relating to spina bifida. When she died in 2016, Alan was the first person he called. “By then I was divorced and back working in technology, but I continued to be a hospital chaplain so I felt like I could really help JJ when he needed it most,” he says. While he was grieving, JJ called him “day and night” and the pair still rarely go a day without speaking.
JJ was also there for Alan when he finally received his long-awaited autism diagnosis last year. “Nobody in my life was surprised but it was a relief to finally get it,” says Alan. “Suddenly it made so much sense why I’d struggled to make friends when I was young.” The pair have continued to support each other in their relationships, and when Alan remarried in 2017, JJ was best man.
“We have been the best man for each other at all three weddings. I’m an extrovert and JJ is an introvert, so I think I was a bit more enthusiastic,” he laughs. “JJ is so reliable; he’s the most helpful person I’ve ever met. He is so generous and really goes out of his way to make life better for the people around him. Being on the spectrum, I don’t have to worry about censoring myself around him and can always relax.”
JJ says that although they are “opposites” in some ways, such as their different political opinions, they’ve always remained close. “He accepts me for being me and I love that he’s always there, no matter what.”
