Welcome to Opt Out, a semi-regular column in which we help you navigate your online privacy and show you how to say no to surveillance. The last column covered how to protect your baby’s photos on the internet.
You’re a parent, and you’ve decided publicly posting your baby’s face on the internet is just not for you. You’ve got a handle on how to actually protect your baby’s photos on the internet (perhaps because you’ve read our guide!). Now it’s just a matter of doing it.
But wait. Minutes after your friends come meet your baby for the first time, they post a picture on Instagram. There’s no emoji covering your child’s face, and it’s visible to all their friends, or worse, everyone on the internet. It’s not your friend’s fault! They’re over the moon for you and got lost in the excitement.
To make this a bit easier on you, we’ve polled some folks, including experts and parents, on how to handle it.
Be prepared to have an awkward conversation
It is fairly common for a friend or relative to make an unwanted post of a baby. In the early days of my son’s life, I hadn’t made any big pronouncements about whether and how I wanted to post his pictures. I hoped people would ask before they posted anything or notice that my husband and I weren’t posting pictures of his face. What followed was the very awkward dance of asking people to take pictures down. Everyone was lovely and respectful in response, but it’s not a fun conversation to have.
Addressing the person and their post can feel tricky, rude or just extremely awkward. But it’s also really important. Your personal rules around how to handle the privacy of your child are only effective if the people who might be around your child know and abide by them.
You might want to avoid the topic unless tensions flare. Speaking from experience, however, it is much more uncomfortable to ask someone to take a picture down than it is to preemptively tell them that you will not be posting your kid’s pictures and you would like them to follow suit.
Thankfully, experts we spoke to have found that fewer people are posting pictures of other parents’ children without asking permission first. Online privacy expectations for children are changing for the better.
“These open conversations about digital etiquette are starting to happen,” Stephen Balkam of the Family Online Safety Institute said. “It’s strange and awkward to begin with, but it will become easier over time. ‘Do you mind smoking outside?’ became normal behavior. If you did that in the 60s, they’d look at you like you were an alien.”
Make a mass announcement
Find a way to tell everyone at once about your plans for your child’s photos rather than having a bunch of individual conversations. It’s a little less painful this way, but it also becomes less likely that someone will post your child’s picture in a way that you’re not comfortable with.
Some of my friends announced their child’s birth on social media – and added that they wouldn’t be sharing their kid’s photos because they wanted their children to be able to decide whether to share their life stories on an app. In one case, they asked their friends and family to practice the same discretion.
If you’re sharing photos over a group chat, most services allow you to edit the title, so you can include some kind of disclaimer in the name of the chat. Some options: “Don’t share these or else” or “Baby pics for thee, not for Mark Z”.
If you haven’t made any sort of announcement about how you want your kid’s photos to be handled, then let people know what your restrictions are when you send them photos directly. For instance, I point out the ones that are okay to post rather than fixating on the ones that they can’t share.
Lead by example
If you’re not looking to make a big announcement, lead by example. For one, ask before you share other parents’ photos. But also make sure the photos you’re posting or sharing follow your own rules. I have friends who cover their babies’ faces with emojis – a pretty clear announcement that they have decided not to show their children’s faces on social media. Their friends and family have emulated the behavior and keep the kids’ faces behind flowers, a smiley face, or a heart.
If you’re not sure whether a parent is okay with posting their kid’s pictures on social media, the first thing to do is to ask. You can also scan through their social media to see how they handle it.
I only post pictures of my son if his face is turned away, and most of my friends picked up pretty quickly on this. It’s probably also helpful that this is the third article I’ve written about keeping my baby’s pictures private.
‘Be generous in other ways’
My dear friends Chelsea and Drew have chosen not to post pictures of their son publicly at all. They declared this to friends and family when he was born two years ago. While keeping their baby private has not always been easy, they say being “generous with photos in other ways” has eased any brewing tensions with their friends and extended family.
They regularly share photos in an iCloud album that their friends and family members have access to. (The group includes me, and I love it.) People who are really interested in seeing photos of their child have no shortage of pictures and can always keep up with what their son is doing.
A more secure option is sharing photos over encrypted messengers like Signal, which are more laborious to use, but more private.
Deputize your friends
Recruiting people to help keep on top of your baby’s privacy is also really helpful. A good way to get people on your side is to explain why you want to protect your child’s photos: maybe you want your children to be able to consent to their photos being shared, or you worry about whether your children’s photos will be misused by the social media platform or other users.
This way, your friends and family might feel more empowered or motivated to call out other people when they share photos you wouldn’t want to be made public. Certain members of my family, for instance, have reminded people that my husband and I are not sharing photos of our son online. They’ve even taken it upon themselves to ask people to take a picture down before we’ve had a chance to.
Forgive your friends and family
People forget things. As a mother, I can attest to this. Be flexible and forgiving. Do not berate your friends and family for posting a photo of your baby.
“If someone violates [your rules], remember there is a great chance they just forgot,” my friend Chelsea said. “Give them a reminder, explain again and ask them to take it down.”
There is a chance that someone is posting your child’s photos against your wishes, or that they find your rules silly or annoying. Explain your reasoning again and emphasize that it’s important to you. If all else fails, you can remind them that having access to your child’s photos is a privilege, not a right.
That said, most of the people I spoke to have found that others are happy to respect parents’ rules.
“Turns out, healthy people respect boundaries and a little coaching goes a long way,” said Drew.
Be confident
My final tip: be confident. At the end of the day, this is your child. You get to decide. It’s one of the many perks of being a parent. You’re not alone in wanting to limit how your baby’s photos are shared. Go ahead. Set those boundaries.
