Life’s simple pleasures: shopping, socialising, sleeping and sex. Though, chances are — whether you’re in a long-term relationship or nurturing a new one — when the demands of everyday stresses and tedious tasks takeover, tender loving care is last on the to-do list. Low priority. And, even when you do feel in a friskier mood, you may find your partner is otherwise erotically undercharged. Also known as ‘falling out of sexual sync’.
According to therapists, it’s one of the most common reasons couples seek counselling. The desire is there, just not at the same time of day or night. Such as, for instance, in a particularly tense scene on-screen in The White Lotus when Harper walks in on her husband Ethan watching porn on his laptop. Annoyed, she asks him why he didn’t wait for her. “You don’t like morning sex,” he responds.
It’s a common dilemma. One that can be down to various physical and psychological factors. “A man’s testosterone level [generally speaking] peaks in the morning and goes through cycles during the day,” explains psychotherapist Marianne Johnson. “Whereas a woman’s hormones fluctuate according to her [menstrual] cycle.”
It can also depend on who is initiating intercourse. Research shows heterosexual men are twice as likely to make the first move as heterosexual women, whilst women fantasise about initiating sex far more than they do in practice. Responsively, if you’ve tried and failed to get your partner in the mood, it’s easy to slide into feeling rejected (one of the uglier shades of emotion). Which in turn makes you less likely to attempt a repeat performance. The result: an unsatisfying, sexless cycle in which nobody feels entirely fulfilled.
Jordan Dixon, psychosexual psychotherapist and sociologist from The Thought House Partnership, says it’s important not to panic or make any drastic decisions. “According to research, one in five people in a relationship say their partner experienced sexual difficulties in the past year and one in four say they do not share the same interest in sex as their partner,” she explains. If this rings true for your relationship, how can you make intimacy desirable again?
From enjoying low-key thrills to the art of listening, here are seven expert-approved ways to put the spark back.
Send a calendar invite
Alongside corny ‘date nights’, there’s a real taboo around the idea of scheduling sex. It seems, well, unsexy. “We’re led to believe that individuals should be available when their partner feels up for it,” says Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist and therapist. “The fact is that many of us have variable libidos that fluctuate at different moments.” For couples with busy — and often clashing — home, work and social lives, planning time to be intimate can be the only way to guarantee it happens. Cooper suggests seeing scheduled sex as part of an erotic game. “It can give couples a target to aim for, allowing them moments beforehand for foreplay and dirty talk.”
Make dating great again
If you’re going to schedule sex, it makes sense to plan other joint activities, so these don’t get squeezed out by everyday stresses. “Many couples find themselves in a sexual rut when enjoyment of non-erotic things together have subsided, too,” says Cooper. Whether it’s a cinema date, going to the gym together or just sitting down to have lunch, this can build intimacy that will transfer to the bedroom. “A 15-minute coffee date could save many people a fortune in sex therapy.”
Discuss intimacy in a neutral zone
If there are other things bothering you about your relationship, avoid discussing them immediately before, after, or (yikes) during, intercourse. Instead, broach these issues when you’re feeling calm and able to talk. “If you don’t feel comfortable addressing them, there’s nothing wrong with booking an appointment with a sex therapist, coach or doctor trained in psychosexual medicine,” says Cooper.
Don’t pressurise sex on ‘date night’
If you have planned a night for dinner at that fancy restaurant or Netflix and a bottle of wine, don’t be disappointed if one or both of you aren’t in the mood for sex. Dixon says it’s important not to put pressure on yourselves, as this can lead to disappointment in the bedroom. “I do not recommend doing anything sexual when you’re not authentically in the mood,” she says.
This is particularly the case if you haven’t seen much of each other in the week, as you won’t have built up the intimacy required for satisfying sex. “If you’ve had arguments with or been separate from your partner, the date night can feel very forced,” Dixon adds.
Instead, you should “constantly be flirting, being affectionate and teasing” to draw out responsive desire in a completely no-agenda kind of way. “What this creates is a context in the relationship where one of us is feeling amorous and feeling that desire, which we can start to evoke in our partner and see where we want to meet in that moment.” Before you know it, sparks will fly — and you won’t even have to put it in the iCal.
Turn on the discovery channel
If you’ve been together a long time, lots of things — from your appearance to body hang-ups and sexual preferences — will have changed. “We’re not static and our erotic blueprint can change throughout our lives,” says Cooper.
Dixon says it’s crucial to talk to your partner regularly and openly about your desires. “Be curious about their experiences rather than listing things you don’t like or jumping in with defensive answers,” she suggests.
Don’t shy away from ‘sexual hibernation’ either
At certain times in our lives, sex might not be a priority for either partner, which is perfectly normal. “Sometimes we need to recognise that we’re in a period of sexual hibernation, so it makes sense that our desire is nowhere to be found,” says Dixon. “Our sexuality might be different in a new era of life, for example after we have kids.” If this sounds familiar, accept that sex might be on hiatus for a period of time — but it will awaken again eventually.
Think outside of The Big O
We need not look to the orgasm as the peak of pleasure. “Focus on taking a small amount of time to explore each other erotically,” says Cooper. “Even if you’ve only got 15 minutes, map out your partner’s erogenous zones using techniques such as massage.”
Dixon suggests seeing time together as a menu of options with no agenda, nor expectations. “Intimate encounters might just be cuddling on the couch or kissing necks and feeling a little aroused, all the way up to full-blown intercourse or a bondage session. The list is endless.”
Feel the fear, flirt anyway
Sex is more likely to be on the cards if you’ve been building up to it all day. “Actively invest small deposits of intimacy throughout so it doesn’t feel completely alien when your partner comes towards you,” says Dixon. “This could be a long kiss before work or a compliment that they look sexy. The most important thing is the intention behind our acts to let our partner know we desire them.” Cooper suggests making what you want even more explicit — “Send your partner erotic messages in the form of dirty talk or voice notes.” You never know… it might be just what you need to get back on track.
