We've all been there – busy getting ready for a summer break, but there’s a mountain of washing to do, the kids are bickering and your partner still hasn’t started their packing.
What do you do? Enter a slanging match that ends with nothing resolved? Or are you a peacemaker at any cost? Finding harmony can create a stronger family bond, plus it’s good for you. Not only is being stress-free better for your mental health, but tension can affect your muscles, while rage can cause headaches and raise blood pressure.
Here’s how to end the sound of slamming doors for good – leaving you feeling healthier and happier so that you can enjoy your family trip away.
1. Set boundaries
Every family has disagreements, whether it’s arguing over where the car is parked at the airport or the choice of restaurant for an evening meal. ‘When you spend more time together, any differences will be a challenge,’ says relationship expert Sara Davison.
To handle these conflicts better, set boundaries, such as no shouting, sulking and being disrespectful to one another. Then, whether you’re outraged that your teenagers’ manners are being criticised, or panicked that the kids are running riot, stay calm. You could agree on a signal. ‘A word or a gesture that says I don’t want to have an argument, but I’m feeling uncomfortable,’ suggests Sara. ‘Something to release that tension.’
2. Let go of perfection
If you book a holiday, of course you want it to be perfect, especially when you factor in the soaring costs of family breaks. But whether it’s delayed flights or you’re overwhelmed, it’s impossible to plan for everything.
‘We put this enormous pressure on ourselves to have magical holidays,’ explains therapeutic counsellor Margaret Reiser. ‘Of course, that’s not going to happen – we’re going to argue with the increased time together. Give everyone the gift of being human. Agree that we’re all going to have bad moments and to let them go afterwards.’
3. Speak softly
If you raise your voice, the listener is likely to focus on your tone, not what you’re saying. This can often be enough to trigger an attack or defence mode. A softer tone of voice can immediately have a calming effect. ‘Be clear about what you want to say in return, but always speak softly,’ says Dr Andrea Taylor-Cummings, co-author of The 4 Habits of All Successful Relationships. ‘We don’t have to speak harshly, even when we’re being direct.’
4. Listen deeply
‘Usually in a conflict situation we are only listening for the pause,’ says Dr Andrea Taylor-Cummings, and waiting for the next chance to make our point. Instead, focus on what the other person is saying – you may have to read between the lines. Practising active listening is key.
If you have a teenager then there might be other things going on, like friendship worries. Try to understand their needs – remember, they may not want to spend all their time with older members of the family. ‘Compromise and say they can spend time with their friends before you go away. Ask them what they want to do,’ says Sara. ‘Make sure everybody has a voice.’
5. Break the tension
When an argument does erupt, find a way to defuse the situation. ‘Distraction is good, especially with younger kids. Maybe ask something unexpected, something to de-intensify the moment,’ says Sara. Get everyone to take a break and come back to it when they have calmed down. Not sure what to say, try these teenager conversation starters.
6. Learn to compromise
This means agreeing how you’re going to resolve a situation in a way that makes you all happy. If you can’t reach a compromise at the time, simply agree that you’re all going to come back later with some suggestions.
7. Give each other space
Remember, you don’t have to spend every minute with each other, especially if you’re holidaying with other couples. ‘We need to give each other space,’ says Margaret. ‘It’s fine if we want to do something by ourselves.'
8. How do you handle conflict?
If you answer mostly yes to the following questions, family fall-outs could be having a negative effect on your wellbeing, without you even realising.
- 1. If there’s tension in the family, do you ignore it and hope it will go away?
- 2. Do you and your family find it difficult to agree on certain things?
- 3. If you’re upset with your partner, do you end up shouting and screaming at each other?
- 4. During an argument, do you have to have the last word?
