WHAT’S your favourite Christmas movie, then? All-time classic It’s A Wonderful Life? The Muppet Christmas Carol? Elf? Die Hard? (Does that count?) Well, mine has always been Home Alone (a state of being I can only ever dream of nowadays).
Has there ever been a pluckier performance from a young up-and-comer than the loveable rogue Macaulay Culkin in Chris Columbus’s big breakout movie which, together with its sequel, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, thrust bobble hats, threaded mittens, hunting jackets and Talkboys onto the heads, arms and torsos of a generation of children around the world? Eight-year-old Kevin goes to bed wishing he never had a family, only to wake up to the realisation that his entire extended clan have jetted off to Paris without him. As if things couldn’t get any worse, a pair of local burglars target the McCallisters’ sweeping mansion in the Chicago suburbs as the crowning glory of their petty criminal lives. Kevin’s canny knack for causing organised chaos, his indefatigable spirit, and his ability to deliver generation-defining one-liners and set-pieces (“Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal”, and that scream after a splash of Brut in the bathroom mirror) allow him to fend off his would-be home-raiders with a combination of deft skill and entertaining showmanship.
You could say it’s all a bit Celtic Football Club. Take Wednesday night, for example. Young up-and-comers? Check. Liel Abada, at 21, looked like the four weeks off for the World Cup had sprung his development on faster than a tin of paint swung from the top of a banister. There may be a few more kids sporting the No.11 shirt after Santa comes this weekend.
Jota, 23, was full of his usual one-touch flicks and tricks, while Matt O’Riley, 22, plays with a maturity well beyond his years. The intruders at the mammoth home ground in the east end of Glasgow in midweek were Livingston, intent on helping themselves to the spoils on offer in the cinch Premiership encounter. Manager David Martindale had certainly cased the joint and done his homework on the home defence systems. But, in the first half in particular, his side couldn’t live with the restless pressing of the Parkhead team. Every time they got a look in, there were defensive traps set to extinguish every move.
Now, there was a narrative floating around after the 2-1 scoreline that Celtic edged out their stubborn opponents. The same could probably be said of young Kev and the Sticky Bandits in Home Alone. The whole premise of the film hinges on the sense of jeopardy – that Joe Pesci and his braindead sidekick could actually breach the defences and get inside. And at times they do. As did Livingston on Wednesday night. After Celtic made it 2-0 on the stroke of half-time when Kyogo Furuhashi got on the end of Abada’s low cross to fire the ball into the exact same corner of the net that Ayo Obileye had accidentally found 20 minutes or so earlier, somehow Livingston made some headway when Nicky Devlin slotted past Joe Hart moments later to halve the arrears.
It seemed to stun the Parkhead crowd, and no wonder. The home side should have been completely out of sight. But that wouldn’t make for much of a 90-minutes’ entertainment of a December evening, would it? Just like the fun of Home Alone is in its game of cat and mouse, the baddies may get close to the hero, but they’ll never truly lay a glove on him. Indeed, it’s questionable why Kevin didn’t just pick up the phone and call the police and the film could have been finished after half an hour. “You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?” Kevin belts out with sadistic glee at one point. He’s decided he’s going to do it his own way, and it’s going to be full of flashes, bangs, slips, tumbles, injuries, knockouts and comebacks. But ultimately it will deliver the pay-off at the end with one big family celebrating the occasion as though it could have turned out so much worse.
Not only did Livingston fail to come close against Celtic on Wednesday night (the hosts had 23 shots to Livi’s three, 10 on target to two from the visitors, Celtic had 78 per cent of possession and completed 710 passes to their opponents’ 209), but any talk of a genuine title race this season is as outlandish as genuinely fearing a kid might be caught and killed by his assailants in a Christmas family movie. Celtic are miles ahead, Rangers pulled a couple of rabbits out of the hat in their last two games to keep the reels turning, which is to be welcomed, but Celtic have more than a few bangers and tins of paint on string in their armoury to fend off any challenge if needed – and will likely only reinforce that position in the January transfer window.
It should be noted that one of Culkin’s unsung qualities was his unique ability to appeal to the everyman through the prism of a character whose wealth, it appears, knows no bounds. I’ve actually been to the Home Alone house in person. It sits on one of the most exclusive streets in the Midwest, in the leafy Chicago suburb of Winnetka. We sometimes talk about how the other half live. Well, anyone occupying this house belongs neither in our half or the other half, but on a different sphere altogether. No wonder Messrs Pesci and Stern wanted to get their sticky fingers on it. In Scottish football terms, is that not all a bit Celtic, too?
Well, even if it is, fans will always come back for more (unlike readers of this column), just look at the box-office figures for Home Alone 2. And on that note, let me end with those immortal words: Happy Christmas, ya filthy animal. And a happy New Year.
