Should you expect to feel confident at work? Or is it normal to feel disillusioned and fed up at least some of the time? I mean, it is work. It is not your life. Amid all the noise and drama about quiet quitting, generational differences, hybrid working patterns, flexible hours, “the Great Resignation” and whatever latest workplace trend is in the headlines, there’s a temptation to believe that you need to love your work and feel very confident in it to be a fully functioning member of society. We tend to forget that most people neither love their work nor hate it. They just do it reasonably uneventfully, get paid and then go home. Sometimes that is the definition of professional confidence: getting the job done. But what if that’s not enough?
According to the UK’s Jobs Confidence Index, “job search and progression confidence” rose slightly towards the end of last year, indicating that workers are broadly optimistic about (a) being able to get a job somewhere else if they want to, and (b) being promoted or achieving progression where they are. But the picture is mixed: we may supposedly have relative job stability but earnings are stagnant. In the last quarter of 2022, the UK saw the worst contraction in real earnings since the first quarter of 2009. No wonder a lot of people are not confident in their, er, confidence. How, then, to be just confident enough at work, without getting caught up in unrealistic expectations?
1. Listen more, talk less and rethink your attitude towards silence
We often think that being confident at work means being loud and demonstrative and talking all the time. Shelley Purchon is founding director of English Unlocked, an organisation that encourages companies to remember that about one in 10 of the UK population is using English as a second language. “If you begin to see silence as something you are ‘gifting’ to other listeners, it helps you to slow down. It’s easy to forget that a speaker who really takes their time can actually appear more confident than one who speaks at a mile a minute.”
2. Let other people own their bad behaviour
If you work with someone who knocks your confidence, remember that this is probably because of some deficiency in them, not you. “When you are attacked or targeted in the workplace, it is easy to accept blame and assume the problem lies with you,” says psychotherapist Naomi Shragai, author of Work Therapy (Or, the Man Who Mistook His Job for His Life). “It is more likely the ‘attacker’ is attempting to rid themselves of unwanted feelings by making you feel bad. You might need to enlist the help of a trusted ally or professional in order to shift the ‘bad’ feelings away from yourself and back where they belong.”
3. Be honest about your negativity
If you really are hating your day-to-day, be clear with yourself about it, says Sarah Taylor, mental fitness and leadership coach at Magnify, which supports founders and startups. “The evidence from neuroscience reveals that the act of labelling an emotion plays a significant role in reducing its emotional punch. Just saying, ‘I feel dread’ will reduce the activation of the amygdala, the fear-centre of the brain.” Once you have named what you feel, you can make a plan, whether it’s confiding in a trusted former colleague, getting professional help or taking a holiday. (See also 10 below.)
4. Hoard evidence of your greatness
Many business thinkers, including the award-winning author Margaret Heffernan and the entrepreneur Abadesi Osunsade, advocate keeping a list of your “work receipts”. Just as you might keep track of expenses and invoices, keep track of all your achievements, positive feedback, invisible wins and high points. Shragai explains: “If you’ve lost your mojo, bring to mind times when you performed at your peak. Consider the following: who has witnessed your achievements and praised them? What convinced them of your talents? What would they say to encourage you now?” Keep a praise file on your desktop with emails, screenshots and notes. Singing Fatboy Slim’s “I have to celebrate you, baby” to yourself as you update it weekly is optional.
5. Make people (and yourself) laugh
Humour at work is underrated. It can be tricky to judge whether certain kinds of humour are going to land favourably and are risk-free, but work is often profoundly stupid and this can be very funny. Concentrate on being warm and friendly rather than “telling jokes”. If you can make people laugh at work – and you’re certain that everyone is laughing and no one is feeling extremely uncomfortable – then you are doing OK. “Can you make someone laugh? Can you make a friend? These capabilities are what really count,” says Purchon.
6. Deal with your inner critic
Many of our fears and anxieties about how we are perceived at work are entirely imaginary. “Remote work is both a blessing and a curse,” says Taylor. “The greater isolation means our inner chatter is louder and less diluted. We need to work a lot harder to actively manage that chatter in order to avoid stress, burnout and anxiety.” Ethan Kross’s Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It offers great practical tips, from accepting the voice but turning down the volume, to “talking to yourself” kindly in the third person. (“What does Viv need today?” “She needs a double espresso.”)
7. Beware comparison-itis
Comparison is the thief of joy in all aspects of life. But with regards to work in particular, we all have different wants and needs, operate at different speeds and have different priorities. If you sense resentment creeping in about a colleague’s achievements or arrangements, ask yourself whether you really know the full picture about them. Speaker coach Elizabeth Van Den Bergh says: “We do a lot of scrolling on social media, which leads to way too much comparing. But what you compare is your messy backside with someone else’s shiny front. Comparison kills joy, confidence and personality. Carefully pick people around you with whom you can honestly discuss your work or your business.”
8. Think about connection in advance
The past three years have been confusing for many workers, who find themselves juggling the pros and cons of hybrid working: wanting the freedom of working from home, but also missing colleagues and structure. Vanessa Sanyauke is the founder of The Hill, a jobs app connecting female talent with opportunities. “I see this kind of tension with the community that we work with. The pandemic helped introverts: you can control the dynamic, read off your notes, type in the chat box … But after a while you miss that community feel. And you don’t feel like you belong to something.” If you work from home a lot, the telephone is your friend: make old-school phone calls to maintain connections. Schedule regular days alongside colleagues when you all agree to be in the office or around for lunch or drinks at the same time.
9. Guard against being petty
The idea of being “happy high status” at work is a way to rephrase confidence as magnanimity. It can be summed up as an “ego-free” reaction, you at your least self-conscious or, essentially, you at your least petty. If you feel undermined or lacking in self-assurance as a reaction to a specific incident, ask yourself: “How can I rise above this?” If you can find another reaction that moves you away from pettiness, that’s happy high status. If your reaction is justified and not petty, talk to a colleague or manager about how the situation can be resolved.
10. Drink your pina colada (or metaphorical equivalent)
“Take your holiday leave in full” might seem like a very basic instruction. But a 2022 Censuswide survey found that more than 60% of UK workers do not take all of their holiday entitlement. That is 18 million people not taking the days off that are their right. That is a lot of un-drunk pina coladas. Many studies show that there is a direct link between confidence and tiredness. When you are given time off, take it.
• Happy High Status: How to Be Effortlessly Confident by Viv Groskop is out on 29 June (Torva, £16.99). To support the Guardian and Observer order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
