WE ♥ ANALYTICS
Things aren’t going so well for Hearts at the moment. Just six weeks ago, they handed contract extensions to manager Steven Naismith and his staff, only to wind up chasing the lot of them out of Tynecastle and through the streets of Edinburgh last Sunday in scenes resembling the opening credits of Trainspotting. Because that’s what happens when you choose to go out of McFizzy Cup at the hands of Falkirk and choose to lose both legs of your Bigger Vase qualifier against Viktoria Plzen while also choosing to lose five consecutive Scottish Premiership games against Dundee, Motherwell, Dundee United, Motherwell, Celtic and St Mirren. For now, Hearts are choosing not to choose a new full-time replacement and have chosen to install reserves coach Liam Fox as an interim until they make a more considered choice. And in a move that is bound to enrage Proper Fitba Men all the way from Wick down to Dumfries and Arbroath across to Fort William, the club have announced they will be making that considered choice with the help of – deep breath – an algorithm.
Of course Hearts have “previous” in the field of thinking outside the box when it comes to appointing managers and in 2016 famously ignited a Scottish fitba culture war when they ignored all the usual suspects on the McManagerial merry-go-round in favour of Ian Cathro, a 30-year-old coach who had not only never played the game at the highest level, but hadn’t even muddied his Diadoras in the Highland League. The subject of media ridicule because he spoke several languages, had spent a few years learning his trade abroad and was once spotted using a computer, Cathro was widely dismissed as a “Laptop Manager” who couldn’t possibly mix it with the various Proper Fitba Men who at the time seemed to consider any managerial jobs in the mid to lower echelons of the Scottish top flight their birthright. Despite doing a reasonable job, Cathro only lasted seven months at Hearts and can currently be found editing training ground TikTok videos in his role as manager of Portuguese top-flight side Estoril.
While rumours that his former employers at Tynecastle are ready to fire up the club McMacBook (Really? – Football Daily Ed) and find Naismith’s replacement by using the famous analytics system designed by Brighton owner Tony Bloom remain unconfirmed, it has been widely reported that they are doing exactly that. And while it is rarely mentioned in football circles, Brighton are widely regarded as a very well-run club, so Hearts fans could be forgiven for being excited as they wait to see which unknown, bespectacled, 23-year-old, gilet-wearing foreigner rocks up to their training ground once all the pertinent data has been entered and someone has hit return. “I can’t really say much about it due to commercial confidentiality but I’m sure people will put two and two together,” blathered Hearts chief suit Andrew McKinlay, coming over all coy upon being asked about a proposed investment deal with Bloom worth up to £10m that would give Hearts access to the same recruitment technology used by Brighton and developed by their famously discreet owner.
“Where we are now is that we’ve had our own lists and we’re also working with an analytics company,” added an increasingly indiscreet McKinlay. “I can’t really say too much about who that company is, there has been a lot of press reporting recently but for commercial confidentiality reasons I can’t go into too much detail, but we are working with an analytics company. If I was out there in the stands, I would be excited about what’s coming … it’s a different way to look at things.” Football Daily should add that it would be unfair to suggest that McKinlay is pinning all his club’s hopes on an algorithm that may or may not have been developed by Bloom, because he was at pains to stress it only played a partial role in the recruitment process. A penny for the thoughts of all those Hearts fans out there in the stands on the day of the big announcement when it is revealed that, even with the help of a super-computer, the best man for the job is that up-and-coming young Commodore 64 aficionado and Hearts staple, Craig Levein.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is with immense pride and a feeling of fulfilment that I am announcing my retirement from the game that we all love. I hold myself to the highest standard, I want to go out strong, not just holding on to the game. It takes a big dose of courage to listen to your heart and your instinct. I have fallen and risen a thousand times, and this time, it’s the moment to stop and hang my boots up with my final game winning a trophy at Wembley” – Raphaël Varane has called time on his career at just 31 after suffering a serious knee injury for Como in a Coppa Italia match. He won the World Cup with France in 2018 and four Big Cups and three league titles at Madrid. Not bad at all. Enjoy your retirement, Rapha.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Rather than a lozenge (Tuesday’s Football Daily) wouldn’t suppository be a better description of Manchester United’s proposed new stadium, as it gives a clear indication of where Sir Jim is going to end up being told to stick the plans for it” – Bernard Clark.
Your description of the proposed new Old Trafford looking like a giant throat lozenge was wildly inaccurate. Surely it’s more like a giant haemorrhoid cushion?” – Mark Charters.
I’m just back from Solihull Moors, where I watched York City deciding to be a football team for the first time in years, notching a 3-0 win. On reaching home I was greeted by Football Daily stating that ‘the 1995-96 season was a significant moment for football in Manchester’. It sure was. Who can forget the night of 20 September 1995 when the
Old Trafford waterfallnew now-Sir Alex Ferguson Stand was being built and York City notched a 3-0 away win against (where are they now?) Manchester United tyros Pilkington, Parker, Irwin, McGibbon, Pallister, P Neville (Cooke 46), Davies (Bruce 58), Beckham, Sharpe, McClair and Giggs?” – Stuart Newstead.
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