Writer Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett has called grandparents the invisible glue that holds together broken childcare systems. And she made a good point: one study found that 85% of UK grandparents offer some kind of support when it comes to looking after grandchildren. And so did Mumsnet user LadySmurf. So you can imagine her disappointment when she stepped up to look after her two grandkids and got into such a bad fight with one, that now, a month later, he still isn’t talking to her. Unable to confidently determine the best way to proceed, she told her story online and asked outsiders to share their opinions on the situation.
Susan Stiffelman, who is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist, says it isn’t okay for kids to treat their grandparents with disrespect, and it’s unhealthy for them to get away with it.
To address the problem, Stiffelman offers a three-step approach:
- Synch everyone up with your expectations, but be flexible. Parents, grandparents, and kids should have a conversation where they can clearly outline — perhaps even on paper — the general expectations for everything from homework to bedtime when grandma and grandpa are in charge. They should also discuss the fact that parents expect the kids to cooperate with their grandparents and do what they’re asked without making a big fuss, even if the grandparents might do things a little differently than they do.
- Parents should make sure that the grandparents know they have permission to be more assertive with their children. Sometimes grandparents are too soft on their grandkids because they adore them so much and want to be adored back. They can, indeed, be softer when the parents are around and in command, but in their absence, grandparents are entitled to maintain a sense of authority. Stiffelman highlights that kids need to know who is in charge.
- Grandparents have a special relationship with their grandchildren. They love to indulge, spoil, and let them get away with things that their parents don’t. And Stiffelman believes there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s part of family fun. But because of that, parents should make a conscious effort to help grandparents come up with ways to step into a more authoritative role with their children.
“Children do best when they are raised in a tribe, with healthy attachments to a number of caring adults,” the psychotherapist adds. “But it’s important that [grandparents are reminded] that it’s in their grandchildren’s best interest to treat people well — including close family.”
People have had a lot of reactions to the lady’s story
