The Daily Show
Daily Show alum Hasan Minhaj returned as a guest host on Monday evening with eyes on a new report from the Department of Energy, which concluded that the Covid-19 virus originated from an accidental lab leak in China.
However, the report’s conclusion, which diverges from other government studies on the emergence of the virus, was made with “low confidence”.
Hey Energy Department, how can you conclude something with "low confidence"? That's not a conclusion, that's a guess. @hasanminhaj pic.twitter.com/F9wUauKojm
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 28, 2023
“How can you conclude something with low confidence?” Minhaj wondered. “That’s not a conclusion. I think the word you’re looking for is guess.
“By the way, conclusion with low confidence is such a fuckboy move,” he added, the equivalent of someone answering the “what are we” question with “I can tell you for sure, I don’t know.
“And now, every fucking idiot I went to high school with is like, ‘Apologize to me right now, Hasan! I told you I was right, and if your hand is bigger than your face, you’re gay,’” he joked.
Minhaj offered a reminder to people “touchdown dancing” about the lab leak theory: the energy department is one of nine intelligence groups that have assessed Covid’s origins. Two of those concluded a likely lab leak, five said natural causes and two said they don’t know. “And you know what? I personally side with them,” said Minhaj. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on. FBI says this, NIC says that. I’m holding out until the DMV [Department of Motor Vehicles] chimes in.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert also discussed the Department of Energy’s lab leak conclusion. “Chinese wet markets, you’re off the hook!” he joked. “Let’s order a round of pangolin poppers for the table. I love a nice plate of wet apps.
“Now if, like me, you’re wondering why the Department of Energy is the one making this judgment, it’s because that agency oversees a network of US national laboratories some of which conduct advanced biological research,” he explained. “No! Bad energy department! No biolabs until you finish building your electric car-charging stations. Stay in your lane.
“You don’t see the Census Bureau building nukes,” he continued. “But whatever – who am I to say? They’re the energy department. I’m sure they’re smart. They wouldn’t release these findings unless they were absolutely confident.”
Colbert then pointed to their “low confidence” rating for the report. “We’ll have more on this story as soon as anyone has anything they can prove.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers surveyed evidence that Fox News “knowingly lying to their viewers” via court filings in the defamation lawsuit against Fox News by Dominion Voting Systems. According to text messages supplied in court, Fox hosts and executives privately trashed Trump and his legal team as “total BS”, “insane”, “mind-blowingly nuts” or “reckless” while continuing to support their baseless election fraud claims on the air.
“The very same Fox News anchors who constantly accused the so-called mainstream media of lying were themselves lying to their viewers and were admitting behind closed doors that they were lying to their viewers,” Meyers explained. “And this supposed evidence they were giving for these claims was transparently insane on its face.”
Trump lawyer Sidney Powell, for instance, told Fox ahead of one appearance that her sole source for her election conspiracy claims was experiencing something “like time-travel in a semi-conscious state”.
The lawsuit also revealed that Trump tried to call into Fox on January 6, but the network refused to put him on air because they viewed it as “irresponsible” and “could impact a lot of people in a negative way”.
“That is the most polite euphemism I’ve ever heard,” Meyers laughed. “That’s like Hannibal Lecter describing himself in his Tinder bio as a foodie with an adventurous palate.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel savored a Rolling Stone report that in 2018, Trump was so peeved about Kimmel’s jokes that he urged his staff to call Disney and pressure them to censor him. “In other words, President Karen demanded to speak to my manager,” he joked.
“You think the guy who fathered Eric and Don Jr would know how to handle jokes, but I guess not.
“The first time Donald Trump ever tries to stop someone from talking about him on television and it’s me,” he added. “Usually when he wants someone to be talking about him, he pays them $130,000. But he wanted me to do it for nothing.
“All he does is make fun of people,” Kimmel continued. “He makes fun of disabled journalists. He calls our veterans, prisoners of war even, losers. He insults his opponents, his friends, his family. But if I point out that he’s so fat they renamed the plane Air Force Wonder Bread, I’m the bad guy?
“Maybe this is why Donald and Melania slept in separate bedrooms – she was laughing too hard at my monologue every night.”
