Being in a relationship requires making compromises. Your partner might prefer Thai food when you were really craving Indian, and you may find your bedtime becoming earlier and earlier after moving in with your partner to accommodate their sleep schedule.
But making compromises requires healthy communication, otherwise you might end up in uncomfortable misunderstandings often. One woman recently shared a story on Reddit detailing how her boyfriend showed up at her home several hours later than the time they agreed upon, so she had already gone to sleep. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as a conversation with Dr. Dan Kolubinski, Director of Reconnect UK.
After an evening out with a friend, this woman told her boyfriend that he could come over around midnight
Image credits: mikoto.raw Photographer / pexels (not the actual photo)
But when he didn’t show up until 2:30am, she decided that he was too late
Image credits: Omran Soliman / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image source: MistifiedCat
“The difficulty with inconsistency is that we aren’t able to make accurate predictions of what to expect of our partner”
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
To gain more insight into this situation, we reached out to Dr. Dan Kolubinski, Director of Reconnect UK. Dr. Kolubinski was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and explain why it can be so important to be punctual with your partner.
“One of the biggest predictors of a successful relationship is how someone answers the question ‘Do I think that my partner has my back?’ Being consistent and considerate allows our partners to depend on us,” the expert shared. “The difficulty with inconsistency is that we aren’t able to make accurate predictions of what to expect of our partner.”
If something comes up and you know you’re going to be late, Dr. Kolubinski says to communicate that as quickly as possible. “It is vital to manage our partners’ expectations of us and be direct with the reason and, if planning a time to meet, an updated time of arrival.”
“Being clear about the expectations and then acting within those boundaries gives our partner a sense of predictability”
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 / unsplash (not the actual photo)
We also asked the therapist how this couple can better communicate to prevent misunderstandings like this in the future. “Communication does require two people,” he noted. “In the same way that he didn’t keep her updated on his expected time of arrival, even though she was clear on what time she would be home, she could also have let him know when the window would close for him to visit.”
“It is possible that when he said ‘okay,’ he meant that he would arrive after she got home, but he might not have expected that to be right after,” Dr. Kolubinski continued. “In this case, they could both have committed to a specific time or been clear on the window from the outset. Arriving at midnight would have been too early, but arriving past 2am was also too late.”
“Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to know that and assumed that it was okay to show up at any time. Again, being clear about the expectations and then acting within those boundaries gives our partner a sense of predictability that makes the relationship feel comfortable and safe,” the therapist added.
“No conversation is its own isolated event, but rather an extension of all of the conversations that have come before”
Image credits: Yolanda Suen / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Dr. Kolubinski also says that, in most cases, “AITA?” is not the right question to ask. “Most people act based on the information that they have, but when there is ambiguity in the expectations, and we make assumptions to fill in those gaps, miscommunication is all too common,” he explained. “To add to that, it is important to highlight that no conversation is its own isolated event, but rather an extension of all of the conversations that have come before.”
“If we have regular pleasant exchanges with our partner, it is much more likely that misunderstandings will be absorbed or brushed off easily. However, if we have a series of negative experiences or we come to learn that our partner is not reliable or predictable, then those misunderstandings are magnified and the situation becomes much more challenging,” Dr. Kolubinski says.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this woman was in the wrong for ignoring her boyfriend’s calls? Feel free to share, and then you can check out another Bored Panda article discussing relationship drama.
Later, the woman responded to some replies and provided more background information
Some readers assured the woman that she had done nothing wrong
Meanwhile, others believed that she and her boyfriend could have handled the situation better
