Grief is unwieldy and can be very isolating. Suddenly, you can’t keep up, and responding to texts seems like a burden. So what do you do when your friend is upset when you can’t respond to texts?
Today’s Original Poster (OP) lost their partner in an accident and spent months abroad sorting things out while trying to process their grief. However, one friend wasn’t understanding of this.
More info: Mumsnet
It can be strange that in moments when we are utterly broken, people can still make it about themselves
The author lost their partner and wasn’t able to respond to their messages, and while most friends understood, one didn’t
Image credits: sarabanks
They would later find out that their friend usually cut off people who didn’t respond to her messages immediately
Image credits: sarabanks
They reached out and tried to apologize and initiate meet-ups, but they were met with silence every time
Image credits: sarabanks
And now the author is starting to think that their friend is just doing too much
The OP started by explaining that after their partner died, they weren’t able to respond to some friends’ messages. Most of their friends could understand because they knew that they were grieving.
By the time they could put themself together, they sent a message to a group chat, but they noticed that one friend abruptly left. Initially, it seemed inconsequential to the OP—group chats can be overwhelming, after all. They texted the friend privately to ask if they were okay, but there was no response.
The same thing happened three weeks later. The same friend left an Instagram group chat after they texted. The OP reached out privately to ask if something was wrong, only to be met with silence. Again.
They reached out to their mutual friend who mentioned that their friend was doing fine. However, that was when their mutual friend revealed that the friend in question typically cuts people off when they don’t respond to her messages on time.
Despite explaining the overwhelming circumstances—being abroad, juggling grief and life adjustments—and the fact that they didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, the friend remained unmoved, saying that the OP had time to send cute animal videos, so they couldn’t have been grieving.
Let’s be honest: there’s no right way to grieve. And small, simple things—like sharing cute videos—might provide some comfort for people. But for the OP’s friend, this came across as contradictory.
The OP apologized and sent invitations to meet up, but they were still met with silence. And now they wonder if they’re being unreasonable to think the friend is doing too much.
The OP being unable to respond to messages from friends is understandable. Intuitive Healing explains that grief typically affects energy levels and emotional capacity, therefore impacting the social life of the grieving person.
They state on their website that this emotional shift can “make it hard to maintain friendships” as there is a lesser desire for surface-level interactions and more need for reflection.
As for a friend to someone who is grieving, The Student Life emphasizes that it’s much more important to offer emotional support without requesting or demanding a response.
Friends who send messages without expecting immediate replies make the grieving person feel understood, as it’s more about being present and showing empathy during difficult times.
When a friend is going through a difficult time, focusing on their needs rather than yours is important. Healthline highlights that a toxic friend tends to make everything about themselves, lacking empathy for the struggles of others.
They also explain that a common attribute of a toxic friendship is that one may find themselves apologizing for the other person’s bad behavior. They advise that while offering a second chance can be considered, it’s often better to set boundaries, take space for yourself, and walk away.
Netizens believed the OP’s friend to be self-centered and lacking empathy. Many found it baffling that she made the grieving person’s tragedy about herself.
Others emphasized that the friendship is not worth salvaging at all and that the OP should stop apologizing, prioritize their peace, keep the supportive friends close, and move on.
Grieving is often difficult, and the OP just didn’t want to be overwhelmed. Do you think their friend’s behavior was justified, or do you agree that it was selfish? We would love to hear your thoughts!
Netizens agreed with them and stated that their friend is indeed selfish and that they need to stop trying to make amends
