After the resignations of his team, Boris Johnson’s incoming communications chief Guto Harri arrived at his new job, then Boris saluted and sang “I Will Survive”.
This proves, the new man said, “The Prime Minister is not a complete clown”.
His job is to be positive about Johnson and the most positive he can be is he’s only part-clown.
We’re in the final days of madness. No one would be surprised if Boris Johnson was found naked on the roof of 10 Downing Street with a jar of Heinz Thousand Island Dressing up his backside, blaming Joan of Arc for not prosecuting Jimmy Savile.
Then Nadine Dorries will be asked: “Do you think this image will damage Mr Johnson”? And she’ll reply: “Shut your mouth! I bet Keir Starmer shoves posh French mustard up his backside ’cos he’s not a man of the people like our Boris.”
Before being sick in a flowerpot.
Next week, coverage of Prime Minister’s Questions will begin with Priti Patel sliding down a pole in a mist of dry ice lip-syncing to “I Want To Break Free” by Queen.
Then we’ll see that Liz Truss has flooded the House of Commons and filled it with jellyfish, and Rishi Sunak is spearing them with a trident.
The speaker will yell “Order, order, we can NOT use biblical weapons of death in the house” and it will barely be on the news.
Now, to remind everyone of Brexit, Johnson has appointed Jacob Rees-Mogg as Minister of Brexit Opportunities, despite Mogg being unaware the 16th century has ended.
Mogg will announce: “Having parted from the European Union, we are finally at liberty to permit jousting in shopping centres. Furthermore, shorn of European red tape, we can reintroduce the rule whereby one is permitted to use a Frenchman as an ironing board.”
After he replaced the staff who resigned, Boris Johnson said: “At last we have grown-ups running the office.”
So who has he had in there before? How were they more childish than this lot? During the lockdown, they must have been telling Prof Chris Whitty: “I don’t WANT to say ‘Hands – face – space’ at today’s TV conference. I want to sing ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’, I WANT TO, It’s NOT FAIR’.”
Maybe the reason they all resigned was they were refusing to use a potty.
During a meeting on how to react to Vladimir Putin’s threats to Ukraine, Johnson’s communications chief would go red in the face and make a ‘hnnnnnnnn’ noise, and Michael Gove would say: “Oh dear – SOMEONE’S done a stink-a-poo”.
In a meeting with the Bank of England about inflation, Johnson’s team would start banging a wooden spoon on the table and screaming, “ HATE the Balance of Trade I HATE it” until they had to be put down for a nap.
And the only way Boris Johnson could calm them down was by wearing a red nose and silly big shoes and falling over to make them laugh, which luckily is the one thing he’s good at, (but not completely).
