THE GREAT ESCAPE
The big kick-off draws closer. Just 16 days until The Fiver rocks up to the local Boxpark and gets seriously on it, throwing £8-a-pint grog into the air with abandon as the goals pile up when mighty Qatar take on Ecuador in a seriously thrilling Human Rights World Cup opener. Yeah baby! Footer fever! Freed from desire, mind and senses purified. We’re on the ball, the world’s in motion, and, y’know, it could actually be coming home if Gareth could, like, literally increase the Three Lions’ xG by getting it launched to the big man while controlling the half-spaces during the counter-press. Or something, given there’s been a bit of talk that the event in Qatar may not be a Good Thing.
Thanks, then, to Fifa overlord and Doha resident Gianni Infantino for reminding us all that “there are many challenges and difficulties of a political nature all around the world. Everyone is welcome regardless of origin, background, religion, gender, sexual orientation or nationality.” In other words, bad stuff happens all over the place, so stop picking on this mega-rich, almost limitlessly-funded country for its human rights violations of migrant workers and treatment of the LGBTQ+ community. Infantino’s advice was part of a letter sent to all 32 competing nations at the HRWC, urging them to “let football take the stage”, an echo of that “stick to football” stuff you see from reply guys like @DaveLuvBrexitNUFC242626 on assorted social media disgraces.
Gianni is determined that, come the final on 18 December, as he ring-kisses the Emir of Qatar before handing over the trophy, football will be all that bloody matters. Helping him do so, the local authorities have engaged a crack team of influencers, including a number of England and Wales fans, 40 each at the latest count, who will be given free travel to Qatar as “ambassadors for the tournament”. And as “fan leaders”, they will appear in the TV coverage of the opening ceremony. “Be ready in your shirt, flags and scarves to cheer and shout,” roars the shills’ instruction booklet. Further duties reportedly include being asked to “like” and “re-share third-party posts”, and flag social media content that is critical of the HRWC.
Most cunning, save for the problem that among England’s “fan leaders” is a John Hemmingham, leader of the self-appointed, atonal crime against musicianship that is the “England Band”, a group so unpopular they would be eating crocodile members nightly in the jungle even if they were up against Matt Hanc0ck. Really good luck with that one.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is the time to bring this journey to an end. I’ve always said that there will not be any other team after Barça. This Saturday’s game [against Almería] will be my last” – with his team dumped out of Big Cup, Gerard Piqué presumably doesn’t fancy seeing out the remainder of his career with cameos in Big Vase.
FIVER LETTERS
“I was totally spooked by this monstrosity on a door in a Wembley pub when attending the NFL last week. Paying £8 a pint was scary enough without having to see this … looks like Dracula or maybe Robbie Savage” – Mike Turney.
“Ah, come on. Does anyone actually believe that the Halland/Haaland thing (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) is an actual issue, and not a Swedish PR person taking the opportunity of a slow news day to make some progress on an admittedly tricky brief? Thank god for transparent chocolate marketing stunts, or we’d not have heard the last of it” – Jon Millard.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winners of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Mike Turney.
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