Leading paediatricians are calling for an end to smacking – for any reason – warning it poses a risk of serious physical harm to children.
Currently, under the Children Act 2004, hitting a child is unlawful unless considered ‘reasonable punishment’, judged case-by-case.
But the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health is now pushing for an amendment to the Children’s Wellbeing and Schools Bill to remove this “reasonable punishment” defence in England.
All children, not matter their age, have moments of emotional disregulatation or behaviour that parents may find difficult, but it’s all part of growing up.
While traditional methods like punishments (taking something away from them, sending them to be alone in their room) may sound like they work in the short term, family psychotherapist and clinical director of The Wave Clinic Fiona Yassin emphasises the power of gentler, more constructive strategies for long-lasting results.
Why is a gentler approach often more effective?
“A gentler approach to managing a child or young person’s challenging behaviour is always more effective than punishment because it focuses on understanding and guiding, rather than controlling,” explains Yassin.
“A punishment may stop unwanted behaviour in the short term, but it is likely to provoke feelings of fear, resentment or shame – none of which support long-term learning or emotional growth.”The family psychotherapist also points out that challenging behaviour can be caused by a child struggling to regulate their emotions.
“It’s really important for parents to understand that when a child acts out, they are usually expressing unmet needs, frustrations, or are having difficulty regulating their emotions,” says Yassin. “A gentle approach, such as setting clear boundaries with empathy or helping their child to process their feelings, teaches self regulation and problem-solving skills.”
So, here are some gentle but effective things to try…
Use a calm toneBe the calm in the storm – they need you to be the adult here.
“A calm voice can help to regulate a child’s emotions, firmness can help in setting clear boundaries, and empathy reassures the child that they are heard and supported, even when their behaviour is challenging,” explains Yassin.
“It’s really important to avoid shouting, making sarcastic comments, or pushing blame onto a child – this can help to prevent the situation escalating into a blow-out.”Validate their emotions
“Acknowledge their feelings without immediately correcting their behaviour,” advises Yassin. “Saying, ‘I see you’re frustrated. That makes sense. Would you like to talk about it?’ will help your child to feel heard and reduce the chance of emotional escalation.”
Identify any patterns/ triggers
Pinpointing any common behavioural patterns or triggers could also be a helpful starting point. Yassin recommends asking yourself, ‘When does the behaviour occur? Do you notice something that triggers it?’
“There are a number of factors that can play a role in challenging behaviour, for example, changes in routine, sleep, academic stress, bullying, or tension in the family,” says Yassin.
Ask: ‘What did you hear me say?’
“Asking them to play back what they heard you say helps them to pause, process, and clarify your message before reacting,” says Yassin. “It helps to prevent misunderstandings, encourages active listening, and diffuses emotional escalation.”Use calm and clear boundaries
Fair boundaries might include saying, “‘I won’t let you hit, but you can tell me why you’re upset’,” suggests Yassin. “This helps to teach a child self-regulation and respect.”
Model the behaviour you want to see
“Children learn by example,” highlights Yassin. “If parents handle stress with patience and communication, kids are more likely to do the same.”
Problem-solve together
“Instead of simply enforcing rules, you could brainstorm solutions together,” she suggests. “For example, say, ‘How do you think we can make bedtime easier?’ This helps to foster responsibility and emotional intelligence.”
Seek professional help
“Expert advice and treatment can support both the young person and the family to develop more positive relationships, while helping the young person process past traumas and change their behaviours towards others,” says Yassin. “It’s important parents understand they do not have to manage this alone.”
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