Gene Simmons is going out on tour again and – ever the businessman – he’s devised a way to keep his fans closer and happier than ever before, offering one fan per gig the role of his “personal assistant and band roadie”.
Given '70s/'80s rock stars' reputation for some degree of ‘hard living’ at one stage or another, one might approach such a job with some degree of trepidation as to what kind of duties Simmons may have mapped out for them.
The latest Gene Simmons Band 26-gig tour is a US-only affair, kicking off 3 April, running through to 3 August.
However, given Kiss’s on-going and endless reinvention as rock’s nice guys - and Simmon’s ever-ticking, personal profile-boosting, business machine – it’s safe to say that being on the hook for the Kiss star’s pre- and post-gig ‘refreshment’ will more likely involve serving canapés and topping up the Slurpee machine than anything off limits.
And if the surely not to be believed rumours that Kiss use a vast fake facade of silent Marshall cabs on stage are true – being just speaker fronts rather than having the planet-crushing weight of the real things – it’s safe to say you won’t be putting your back out any time soon, either.
And how much is Simmons willing to pay you for your services?
Oh dear - looks like you’ve got this gig all wrong.
With Simmons being ever savvy - and having carefully cultivated millions of religiously loyal fans worldwide - this money only ever flows one way.
Thus, each night, one lucky fan will have to pay for the honour of being Simmons' skivvy, with the role being the top ‘package’ on Simmons' just announced menu of gig-based ‘Experiences’ - above-and-beyond offers for fans requiring more than a simple gig ticket, and who are willing to pay for perk.
Axe, Punisher or G2?
Other Experiences for Simmons' tour include the Gene Simmons Bass Experience, allowing you and three guests to come backstage to meet Simmons post gig, and be given a “Gene Simmons bass” which the star will then sign (along with the case), a certificate of authenticity and “4 items of your choice.” Though “(NO other instruments or instrument parts)”.
Basses on offer include your choice of Simmons' iconic Axe bass (we assume being the lookalike version once made by Cort), the Punisher bass (formerly made by BC Rich, now being made for Simmons in his own manufacturing facility) and the Gibson G2 (being a genuine Gibson bass), all of which are offered with “Limited supply on some models. (While supply lasts).”
The price? $6,500 with an optional $12,500 ‘stage played’ tier for those that require a bass graced by the hands of the great man himself.
Oh. Tickets to the show are - you guessed it - not included.
However you will be allowed to take photos and enticingly - the on-site marketing blurb promises that: “You will find that Gene Simmons is very down-to-earth, funny, and knowledgeable on almost any subject.”
So be sure to bring along that tricky crossword.
One lucky ‘winner’
Bass sales aside, the really big ‘prize’ on offer at each show is, of course, The Ultimate Gene Simmons Experience: “You be Gene Simmons’ Personal Assistant & Band Roadie For The Day!” package, available for just one fan per gig.
That lucky lackey will be able to meet Simmons and the band to “go over the schedule”, with other notables including helping with the load-in with the band, obtaining a Band Team Crew shirt, hat and laminate, helping set up and sitting in on the sound check, having dinner with Gene Simmons and the dubious honour of being presented on-stage, mid-gig, by Simmons himself.
Plus, of course that bass guitar, played by Simmons during the rehearsal.
All yours for [cough] $12,495.00.
Interested? Check out the small print and sign on the line right here.
