Okay, fine.
The 49ers’ schedule is out which means it is our duty to make predictions for each game despite the fact that it’s May and uncertainty reigns for every team.
A hard schedule in Week 1 could very easily look like a soft schedule by the time the season ends, and vice versa. Still, running through each game is a fun exercise.
We’ll try the prediction thing again closer to the season once San Francisco has eliminated some of the question marks about its club and we see the landscape of the league throughout camp and the preseason.
For now, here’s our knee jerk guesses:
Week 1 at Pittsburgh Steelers
49ers win a rock fight where their offensive talent takes over.
Record: 1-0
Week 2 at Los Angeles Rams
The Rams couldn’t even beat the 49ers when they were contending for Super Bowls. Now they’re rebuilding.
Record: 2-0
Week 3 vs. New York Giants (TNF)
Road games on Thursday night are rough, especially since this will be the back of consecutive West Coast road games for the G-men.
Record: 3-0
Week 4 vs. Arizona Cardinals
Maybe Colt McCoy rekindles the magic he bottled up to thump the 49ers at Levi’s Stadium in 2021. But probably not.
Record: 4-0
(Editor’s note: the 49ers starting 4-0 would buck a trend in recent years where they start very slow. Don’t be shocked if they drop one or two of these in games we walk away from going, “they should have won that one.”)
Week 5 vs. Dallas Cowboys (SNF)
Okay, the 49ers can’t win them all and Dallas is a good team.
Record: 4-1
Week 6 at Cleveland Browns
It’s a bounce-back game for the 49ers after a little wakeup call vs. the Cowboys.
Record: 5-1
Week 7 at Minnesota Vikings
Kirk Cousins beating Kyle Shanahan on Monday Night Football to stoke the “Cousins to the 49ers” flames feels like a thing that is bound to happen.
Record: 5-2
Week 8 vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Tough spot for the 49ers. Heading into their bye and coming off a short week where they played on the road Monday night, and they face one of the AFC’s best teams? Yeesh.
Record: 5-3
(Editor’s note: EVERYBODY PANIC!!!)
Week 9 Bye
Cue the stories about how badly the 49ers needed the bye week after losing two straight.
Week 10 at Jacksonville Jaguars
The bye week does the 49ers a lot of good and they show the Jags there are levels to contenderdom.
Record: 6-3
(Editor’s note: Okay, we can stop panicking now.)
Week 11 vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs got thumped by the 49ers with Tom Brady at quarterback last year. Every year is different, but that felt like a trend.
Record: 7-3
Week 12 at Seattle Seahawks (TNF)
It feels inconceivable that the 49ers would win two games in a row in Seattle.
Record: 7-4
Week 13 at Philadelphia Eagles
The 49ers over/under is 11.5 and this feels like the swing game. Philly might be the best team in the NFL, but we’ll say complacency sets in combined with a bit of extra motivation for San Francisco and the Niners swing an upset.
Record: 8-4
Week 14 vs. Seattle Seahawks
The win over Philly breathes new life into a 49ers club looking to exact revenge for their Week 12 loss in Seattle and get back to the top of the NFC West.
Record: 9-4
Week 15 at Arizona Cardinals
Maybe Kyler Murray is back by now? But probably not. Arizona’s packed it in by this point.
Record: 10-4
Week 16 vs. Baltimore Ravens
San Francisco sneaks out a close one at home in a game they need to have to stay in front of the hard-charging Seahawks.
Record: 11-4
Week 17 at Washington Commanders
Washington’s not that guy, pal.
Record: 12-4
Week 18 vs. Los Angeles Rams
With the division and seeding wrapped up, the 49ers rest some guys and the Rams get their long-awaited regular-season win over San Francisco.
Record: 12-5
