Wondering how to handle a breakup? If you're going through it, or know someone who is, it can be helpful to have a plan to deal with the emotions - and your ex.
Navigating contact with someone you’ve shared part of your life with can be tricky territory. On one hand, it can be hard to not see someone who has been such a big part of your life – almost impossible if you have shared family, friends or assets. But, on the other, you might be hurt, angry or have unresolved feelings about relationship issues, making the thought of staying in touch almost unbearable.
"Every relationship is different and there are countless variables, so whether there’s potential for an ongoing friendship or civil relationship with your ex-partner is extremely personal to your situation and the way things ended," says sex and relationship expert Dr Tara.
There’s rarely a right or wrong answer but if you’re wondering whether you can hold on to part of your previous connection, or reinvent your relationship in a new, platonic way, our experts explain everything you need to know.
How to handle a breakup
If they broke up with you
If you weren’t the one to call time on the relationship, be very careful about pursuing contact. A continuing connection might seem achievable – but at what cost? Ask yourself, what do you really want to get out of it?
"It also depends on how they finished with you,’ says Dr Tara. "If it was in a reasonable, respectful way, it’s possible to stay friends with them – but only once you’ve truly given yourself enough time to heal. But if they were disrespectful, or if seeing them as a friend compromises your mental health, it’s not worth it."
It's also important to be honest with yourself. What are your motives for staying in contact? Do you still love them? Are you still angry? Do you feel guilty? Will you be OK if they meet someone else? Be brutally honest, because continuing contact could cause you more pain and put you through more painful signs your relationship is over.
If you broke up with them
If you were the one to walk away then you have to respect your ex’s space and give them time to heal, even if you think staying in contact is the kind thing to do.
"Contacting an ex too soon might give them false hope of rekindling things or send mixed messages," says Dr Tara. "Stand firm in your decision and take a one to three- month break before contacting or receiving contact and re-establishing a friendship."
Even though you did the breaking up, too much contact too soon could have you debating whether getting back together with an ex can ever work out.
If they treated you badly
If there are no children involved, how to handle a breakup is simple: stay away. "They don’t deserve any more of your time and energy,’ says Dr Tara. "Obviously, every scenario is different, but remaining in contact or seeking friendship from someone who hurt or disrespected you will only continue to damage your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s best to leave the relationship behind you and cease all contact."
One of the signs of a toxic relationship is having to fixate on all the good bits of the relationship to reconcile staying with a partner. Recognise whether you're idealising your ex and creating a false impression of how that person now fits into your life if you do choose to keep them in your life.
If you have kids together
This is hugely difficult as there are other people’s feelings to consider. But, where possible, it’s a lot healthier for children – mentally, psychologically and emotionally – when their parents can maintain a civil level of contact.
"If you have kids and have a strong friendship, then I believe you can – and should try to – remain friends," says Dr Tara. "It’s good to show them a harmonious presence when you’re together so that they don’t have issues regarding monogamous relationships or trusting a partner in the future."
Remember - being friends with your ex is not the same as dating them. It’s still going to take time to adjust and get used to a new dynamic. You may need to learn how to build trust again in a relationship of a very different kind with your partner.
However, if your ex has treated you poorly or the relationship is volatile, have very clear boundaries and focus on just being cordial rather than seeking friendship.
If you have all the same friends
While it’s important to maintain friendships that are valuable to you, maybe now is the time for a clear out. "I highly recommend using this 'new chapter' to take an audit of which friends you feel closest to and which you feel are more your ex’s friends," says Dr Tara on how to handle a breakup.
With good friends that you both share, be upfront and honest with them and your ex, explaining that you’d like to still socialise together, but maybe give it a few months before you’re all hanging out together.
Be honest about what is going to be best for your mental health and listen to what your ex says they need too, otherwise, it may be harder to start moving on from the relationship.
If you still live together
Sometimes, because of finances or family, you might still find yourself living under the same roof as your ex. While some manage to navigate this well – like Paddy and Christine McGuinness, who separated but still share the home with their children – for many it’s understandably difficult.
"Your living situation is extremely important to your mental, psychological and emotional health, so maintaining a friendship on some level when you have to live together is important," says Dr Tara. "But it doesn’t mean you have to watch Corrie together."
Sit down and work out clear boundaries and dealbreakers in the relationship – including who uses the kitchen when and rules regarding any new partners. Be open and honest about what will work for you.
How long do breakup feelings last?
Plenty of researchers have looked into how long breakup feelings last - with few definitive answers. Some suggest it takes half as long as the relationship to heal, while others suggest three months for a relationship and one and a half years for a marriage.
Ultimately though, it depends on the person and the relationship. The research on the subject does suggest that the more emotional investment you have in the relationship, the longer it'll take to get over it.
Is it okay to sleep with an ex?
Diving back under the duvet with someone you’ve said goodbye to can be tempting, with studies by Wayne State University and the University of Texas at Austin finding that women and men are equally likely to get back in touch with sex in mind, but is it ever truly a good idea? There are positives and negatives to both sides.
Everyone deserves fulfilling sex, and if an ex knows what makes you tick and it’s likely to hit the spot, then why not? "If the sex was good between you and the break-up was amicable, then reconnecting can feel safe, comfortable and mutually beneficial," says psychotherapist Carol Martin-Sperry, who is registered with the BACP. "Just make sure one of you isn’t doing it because they feel sorry for the other, otherwise there could be an abuse of power."
People and situations also change, and if there’s enough water under the bridge, sometimes rekindling a former flame can lead to a brand new spark – one that could potentially burn even brighter than before. "There’s also likely to be some sadness surrounding the break-up, so for some, coming together in a close, intimate moment can ease the pain and reinforce warm feelings and the bond you once had for each other," adds Martin-Sperry.
Having good sex with your ex can fuel your confidence, make you feel desirable again and – according to a study on the psychology of break-up sex led by Tulane University – can send you on your way with a spring in your step, increasing your attractiveness to other potential partners.
Needless to say, however, sex with an ex comes with some serious risks. While you might feel like you could have sex with your ex without emotional attachment, the reality might turn out to be very different. The Tulane University study also showed men are more likely to have breakup sex and feel better about themselves because of it while women tend to feel better about the relationship.
"Engaging in sex after a relationship has broken down can bring back the hurt and grief, causing painful feelings of déjà vu," says Martin-Sperry. "Often there’s an imbalance of feelings and one person is likely to be taken advantage of."
Plus, no-strings sex with an ex can be hard to navigate. Just once? More regularly? When and where? Does safe sex need to be discussed? It’s likely to open a can of post-coital worms.
It could also end up compounding any feelings of loneliness, leaving you feeling more alone than before. "Being intimate with a person who may not love or respect you any more can be really damaging for your self-esteem," says Martin-Sperry.
Try practising self-compassion. Find your pick of the best sex toys - or call a good friend instead, and think hard before getting back into bed with an ex, because it really might not be best for you.
