I am a very nosy person. Instagram Stories were invented just to make me happy. And over Christmas, my screentime goes through the roof. Not just because the Christmas period can get a little boring, but because it’s the Snoopiest Time of The Year. It’s snoop central. ‘Tis the season to be snoopy!
You’re all out there, showing off your families and family homes, meals and presents, and we get a good look at you in a way we’ve never seen before. Even the most demure of influencers give a little away on Christmas. It’s delightful. (Reader, it is important that I point out now I am not a stalker nor do I have any murderous instincts, just an insatiable lurker, I promise).
However, there are things that even *I* do not want to see. In-your-face declarations of poshness are braggy and unsightly, documenting exercise is cruel, and matching PJs are not worth the polyester they’re printed on. Here, we offer a quick guide on what to post (and what not to post) over the Christmas period. Happy snooping, to one and all.
DO: Show at least one full picture of your living room set up
So I can accurately make new assumptions about you, or challenge my pre-existing assumptions about you, or just have a nose about, really. I want to know if your mum has good taste. I want to know if you’re hanging out with your nan. What does your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend look like? Do you spend it together? Have you decorated your tree in an organised way or a messy way? How many presents are underneath — a ludicrous number or a more minimalist offering? Are there stockings? Where? How big? Old? Modern? Let me seeeeeeeee!
DON’T: Let us know if you wear black tie to Christmas dinner
This is insufferably posh and frankly too much for anyone to see on a Christmas Day Instagram story. Our stomachs are too full, our waistbands too stretched. Taking the approach of a homophobic uncle on this one: you can do it if you must, but I don’t want to watch.
DO: Show your whole roast dinner plate
I want eyes on that thing. I want to know what meat you’re having, if there’s two meats, if there’s some sort of game, if you fill the plate to the edges or stick to the middle, how you do your sprouts, whether you have clearly been watching MOB kitchen videos recently, et cetera.
But, most importantly, I want to know if there’s anything weeeeird: mashed potatoes, any form of mushrooms, chicken (not turkey? On Christmas Day? Do you treat yourself to a glass of water on New Year’s Eve?).
And, over the following days, we have a right to see your leftover vessel, too. Turkey curry, a la Bridget Jones? Stuffing sandwich? Bubble and squeak? The world must know!
DON’T: Post pictures of you and your family in matching pyjamas
This is soooooooo Kardashian coded and not even in the good way (for anyone wondering about the “good way” to be Kardashian coded it’s: dating Timothée Chalamet, doing a surprise law conversion, lending your mate some Spanx).
These matching pyjama photo ops are almost invariably taken on self-timer with plastered smiles, and really it’s all about getting one photo to justify the cost of the PJs. How about: just don’t buy them!
DO: Show every single pet in the house
Is there a dog in the family? How old is that dog, what is its name? Is there a geriatric cat? I want to see her (she’s almost always a her). Or are you exhibiting a fun, weird, family pet, like a tortoise, or a cockatoo?
Either way, I want a full rundown like a President heading to a state dinner. Names and faces please. Names and faces.
DON’T: Post any content of you doing exercise until after January 1
I don’t care if you are a part-time fitness influencer, I don’t care if your dad’s an Olympian, put that phone down! We are all in a joint gestation period from Christmas Eve onwards, to break the code is immoral and it makes us feel bad.
Plus, betwixmas is so boring that there’s no excuse but to eat more cheese and cold cuts so don’t go thinking you’ve got a free pass there. January 1. Mark my words.
(N.B acceptable forms of semi-exercise to show over the Christmas period are: Boxing Day walk, anyone playing Just Dance on the Wii, or a cold swim, because I want to see if you are mental.)
